Well....apologies if they've been posted before....but heres some good old 'bloke jokes' to even things out...
The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 3. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 6. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?''It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'And they say blondes are dumb...----------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord,I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine?A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.' ----------------------
4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
Some peole have led very sheltered lives.........
Catey67.........you Rock!!! Some of the best I've heard for a long time,think it evened it up a treat!! I do agree with littlechick,will be getting sumo some mouthwash,lol,from beerguts to babes,ya gotta luv em
Why Parents Drink The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ''Is your daddy home?' he asked.' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .'Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes ''May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No 'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. 'Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.'Busy doing what?'' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter 'Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME . '
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'SProof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband shoppingThis letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:Dear Mrs. Murray,While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'And; last, but not least:14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
There is a moral to this story, but not exactly the one most of us areexpecting!In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go downthree inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down threeinches, I can eat him."There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down threeinches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lakepreparing to eat a cheese sandwich...."Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fishleaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, butI can tell you there's more....A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes downthree inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that beargrabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop hischeese sandwich."A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as wasfashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)'"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for thatfly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots thatbear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I canhave mouse for lunch."The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for thecooling mist of the water.The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shootsthe bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for themouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns.The moral of the story is:Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger
Changed the font colour in your previous post MA, loved the Tesco one. will definitely put some of those into practise next time Cassie takes me for some 'retail therapy'
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