The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom. She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked". "don't worry" I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll pull their own f**kin curtains!"
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Little Tommy hears noises coming from his Mom's and Dad's room every night so he goes to take a peek in their room to see what they are doing. After a couple of days of doing this little Tommy asks his Mom, "Mommy, sometimes at night I hear noises coming from your room and I peek and I see you jumping up and down on Daddy's tummy. Why do you do that?" "Well," Mom says "That is so that I can make Daddy skinny." "Mommy, but you're wasting your time doing that," says little Tommy, "because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes into your room with Daddy and blows him back up."
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kind of, sort of... touched one with the tip of my little finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your little finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one just for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise and a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Bridey, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Bridey responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary washes her arse in it!"
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Mister Pete - Optimi In: Burntwood
Posts: 118
Karma:
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A man runs back from the letter box all excited. The wife
asks him why he has the big smirk on his face and he replies “my Olympic
condoms have just arrived – AND I thing we are going to use the Gold one
tonight” The wife replies “why cant you just use the Silver one – and try
coming second for a change”
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Mister Pete - Optimi In: Burntwood
Posts: 118
Karma:
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A husband and wife are sharing a shower when the door bell
rings. The woman has to jump out of the shower to answers the door because the
husband is too idle to go. At the door is the husband’s best mate and so the
wife invites him in. He looks at her dripping wet in just a towel and thinks
wow. He then explains he is really sorry and that he can’t help it but the
sight of her in a wet towel is really turning him on. She tries to ignore the
comment but can’t help feeling rather flattered. He then says to the wife “I
tell you what if I gave you £200 would you drop the towel and just let me have
a look at you naked – nothing more I promise” she tries to say no but the sight
of the £200 in his hand is too much to resist so she takes the money and duly
drops the towel to the floor. The husband’s best mate is mesmerised but keeps
to his word saying you look fantastic and I promise I won’t tell anyone about
this but I must go now and he runs out of the house. Just then her husband
comes down the stairs and asks who was at the door to which she replies that it
was his best mate. Oh great says the husband – did he drop off that £200 that
he owes me!!!!!!!!
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“Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Dominique Strauss-Khan uses his all the time. What is it? A last name! And shame on you for thinking it was something else.”
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a £20 note comes flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks through the bushes, I say; "£20 or off it comes!"
"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
An Amish lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
lady riding buggy: "Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know, as soon as I get home."
"Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals."
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob" … "Something about the emergency brake…"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own f**kin' blanket!
Mr Jones comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news, I 'm a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs Jones receives a telephone call from S.E. (Southern Electric) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
Am I speaking to Mrs Jones?
Yes...... speaking
S.E. guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
How do 'YOU' know? stammers the young woman.
Well, maam, its in our files! says the S.E. guy .
What are you saying? Its in your files ..... HOW?
Yes, We have a system of finding out whos overdue
GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.
Madam, I am sorry...... I am only following orders, I have to inform you that you are overdue. OK, but let me talk to my husband about this tonight and he'll speak to your company tomorrow
That night, she tells her husband about the call and he is fuming and rushes to the S.E. Office the next morning.
Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours? the husband shouts.
Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at S.E. its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.
"PAY YOU?" and if I refuse?
Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.
And what would my wife do then? the husband asks.
"I dont know, sir?. I guess she would have to use a candle"!!!
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?" So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole...
But I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
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