M/s Moorehead was telling her class of a problem, she said "if there are three birds on a branch and I shoot one how many are left?" Now Johnny, who gave contraversial answers, said "none Ms. Moorehead".
She replied "How did you come up with that answer?" He replied "Well the noise of the gun will have scared the others away". M/s Moorehead then said "That wasn't the answer I was looking for, the answer I was looking for was 2 but I like the way you think". Johnny then preceded to ask M/s Moorehead a question "If there were three women walking down the street each has a lolly pop one is licking it, one is biting it and the other is sucking it, which one is married?" And M/s Moorehead replied "The one sucking it" Johnny replied "NO the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think."
The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many
women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always
whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That
numbs it and I can screw for hours!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his
wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his
clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, “That you Bubba?".
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, "You don’t understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don’t understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don’t understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, "I’m looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can’t live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so go get yourself a dog."
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in Heaven", said God........
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Ikea either!"
In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge. Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless! He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!" Elton bursts into tears. "What's up?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"
"Its too hot to wear clothes today" Jack says as he stepped from the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this??"
" Probably that I married you for your money" she replied...
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a
little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between
her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting
near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .and louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream & shouted: "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park; you do it!!"
An almost blind 80 year old guy walked into Ann Summers to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store assistant, he bought a lace night dress for £500 and brought it home for his 80 year old wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn’t quite fit. But, she figured, since it’s supposed to be see-through and since he’s almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked. "Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the fuckin' thing."
A mortician was working late one night. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's 'old chap'. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened up his briefcase.
A visiting professor at University of Wales is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student, Taffy at the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Taffy the student replies with a nod and a grin and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"
Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman A donkey A shovel A fish A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
"We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' "
A man received the following text from his neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't
ever happen again."
On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi."
A man received the following text from his neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't
ever happen again."
On reading the text, the man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Bloody spell check!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your wifi."
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