Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,Because otherwise they were all going to fall.They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . .
I nervously inserted a finger: It felt warm and wet. "I'm gonna need more than that" she said.
Taking a breath, I then put in 3 fingers. "Go on, get your whole hand in" she demanded.
I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
I closed my eyes & thrust forward with my other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that fuckin' hard doing the washing up!
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.Its wine that does all that....... sorry Never mind.
A lady went into Boots, walked up to the pharmacist, looked calmly into his eyes and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide".
The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband".The startled pharmacist cried "Lord, have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the Law. I'll lose my licence. They'll throw both of us in prison. No sorry, absolutely not."
The lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with pharmacists wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and said
"You should have mentioned you've got a prescription."
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman appeared unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.Thinking this behaviour was perhaps a bit risqué for the establishment, the waitress stepped over to the table and tactfully, said, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."To which the woman calmly replied, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Pampurred 10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He also couldn't get a fair trial.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into His Father's business.2. He lived at home until he was 33.3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with His hands.2. He had wine with His meals.3. He used olive oil.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:1. He never cut His hair.2. He walked around barefoot all the time.3. He started a new religion.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:1. He was at peace with nature.2. He ate a lot of fish.3. He talked about the Great Spirit.But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.But the most compelling evidence of all 3 proves that Jesus was a woman:1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up, because there was work to do.
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