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Borrowed From Another Forum

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Speedy Claire
In: Liverpool
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Pinched from another forum.... very funny Let me explain I am a self confessed bike wh**e, I have no scrupples or pre defined ideas when it comes to bikes, I buy on a whim and sell it if I don't like it, around 4 years ago I got an option on a GSXR1100 with big bore kit and nitro'd ( yeah yeah insanity runs in the family - get over it - I do ) Riding this thing was the most uncomfortable bike I had ever ridden ( been riding for over 35 years) - jeeze man my botty ( can I use that word on here) was chewing caramels within 2 miles, so I decided to sell it through Autotrader.First week nothing, so second week I fixed the price at £2200 and added a picture - On the Saturday I gets a phone call. Conversation goes much like this.Hello[Twit]Hi, Do you still have the Yam for sale Me thinks twit - No but I have a Suzuki for sale[Twit]What colour is it Err... what it says on the advert + it was a colour picture[Twit]Are the plastics in good condition Couldn't tell ya mate it is a streetfighter and doesnt have any as per picture [Twit]Aye thats the right one - can I come and see it Me still thinks twit - sure where are you coming from [Twit]GlasgowHmmm... me thinks twit wont come that far - I am 40 miles North of Inverness about 220 miles away Gives him directions and comes off the phone and forgets about it Four hours later he phones to say he was 20 miles away - I think sh*t I had better go and see if the bike will start It did so just waited on his arrival, then I saw it, I live down a single track road and can see for about a mile, here was this huge Merc driving down the road, driven by a woman that maybe 20 years before would have been a contender for Playboy.Then out he steps, I almost could not contain myself, he was dressed in one piece leathers, green, white and pink!!! you know the type of suit? totally fart proof, bubbles up from your botty and exits at your neck, Matching helmet, gloves and boots - honestly this guy looked like an overgrown packet of polo mints.Just to ad insult to injury the bike was stock Suzuki Blue and White.So here he was with me trying desperately trying to contain my water looking around the bike asking really pertinent questions like whats the tyre pressureSo he says "can I take it out for a test ride", I say sure as long as you leave full price as deposit and show me a licence and insurance.Well b*gger me if he did not say OK and then came the crunch he produced a provisional licence with a pass certificate - this mint tw*t had only passed his test a week before, his mate had pointed him in the direction of my bike hence the gaff about "Yam" in the original phone call, he had never even seen the advert - Jeeze we all need mates like that dont we?I said sorry no way was I letting him out on my bike like that but I would take him pillion - this was agreed and in all this time Mrs Centrefold is looking totally disinterested.Anyway off we set for anyone that knows the area headed off through Tain to the Inver road alongside the old airfield- lovely long stretch of straight road where I said i would show him the Nitro working - I said I would tap him on the legs and let rip.The next part would have made me a fortune if I had managed to get it on tape, 5th gear hitting 60 taps him on the leg and hist Nitro boost - "Oh Jesus" ( I screamed that cause I thought I was coming to meet him and although an atheist I hedge my bets) the front wheel left the deck - he fell backwards and his legs caught me under the arms and lifted my hands off the bars, riding along at 70mph+ front wheel in the air and us engaged in some sort of sordid gay sex ritual on the back. For some reason that day was not to be my last and I managed to get my hands on the bars before the front wheel came back down and regained composure - time to head home I think.Back at my house he took off the helmet and I have never seen someones face that colour before it was completely devoid of blood, after a coffee for him to calm down he said he was interested But was not willing to offer my full asking price - says he will only go to £2800 I had to seriously think about that, I mean £600 more than I wanted what was I supposed to do.So after formal discussions and the emptying of his wallet everything was sorted, My driveway where it meets the road has a dip that can even catch me out at times, here was the sugar plum fairy straight out of training camp on a GSXR1100 covering the rear brake and pulling off where he hits the dip, yanks back on the throttle and promptly hits the fence on the other side of the road.After picking the bike out of the hedge I pointed it in the right direction for him and told him to phone me when he gets home ( yes I genuinely was worried ) for the mile I could see him I am sure he did not get out of 2nd gear.Should have taken him about 4 hours max to get home, it was 9 hours before he phoned me to tell me he got home and then came the killer "Did I want to buy the bike back" Certainly not it's been dropped I did get a phone call from a dealer about a week later asking me to confirm the mileage as the bike was getting traded in and it had done less than 200 miles since picking it up so I have a funny feeling he got it trailered part of the way home that night, cause it was trailered into the dealers - what did he buy?? I had to ask - a 600 Hornet.One final little anecdote, when the the bike came to me the Nitro switch was not wired up to I fitted it to the horn button ( who needs a horn anyway - behave!!!) I always wondered if he would remember as hitting that by mistake would give new meaning to phrase "beep beep now ya bastid"

Pinched from another forum.... very funny 
 
 
Let me explain I am a self confessed bike wh**e, I have no scrupples or pre defined ideas when it comes to bikes, I buy on a whim and sell it if I don't like it, around 4 years ago I got an option on a GSXR1100 with big bore kit and nitro'd ( yeah yeah insanity runs in the family - get over it - I do ) Riding this thing was the most uncomfortable bike I had ever ridden ( been riding for over 35 years) - jeeze man my botty ( can I use that word on here) was chewing caramels within 2 miles, so I decided to sell it through Autotrader.First week nothing, so second week I fixed the price at £2200 and added a picture - On the Saturday I gets a phone call. Conversation goes much like this.Hello[Twit]Hi, Do you still have the Yam for sale Me thinks twit - No but I have a Suzuki for sale[Twit]What colour is it Err... what it says on the advert + it was a colour picture[Twit]Are the plastics in good condition Couldn't tell ya mate it is a streetfighter and doesnt have any as per picture [Twit]Aye thats the right one - can I come and see it Me still thinks twit - sure where are you coming from [Twit]GlasgowHmmm... me thinks twit wont come that far - I am 40 miles North of Inverness about 220 miles away Gives him directions and comes off the phone and forgets about it Four hours later he phones to say he was 20 miles away - I think sh*t I had better go and see if the bike will start It did so just waited on his arrival, then I saw it, I live down a single track road and can see for about a mile, here was this huge Merc driving down the road, driven by a woman that maybe 20 years before would have been a contender for Playboy.Then out he steps, I almost could not contain myself, he was dressed in one piece leathers, green, white and pink!!! you know the type of suit? totally fart proof, bubbles up from your botty and exits at your neck, Matching helmet, gloves and boots - honestly this guy looked like an overgrown packet of polo mints.Just to ad insult to injury the bike was stock Suzuki Blue and White.So here he was with me trying desperately trying to contain my water looking around the bike asking really pertinent questions like whats the tyre pressureSo he says "can I take it out for a test ride", I say sure as long as you leave full price as deposit and show me a licence and insurance.Well b*gger me if he did not say OK and then came the crunch he produced a provisional licence with a pass certificate - this mint tw*t had only passed his test a week before, his mate had pointed him in the direction of my bike hence the gaff about "Yam" in the original phone call, he had never even seen the advert - Jeeze we all need mates like that dont we?I said sorry no way was I letting him out on my bike like that but I would take him pillion - this was agreed and in all this time Mrs Centrefold is looking totally disinterested.Anyway off we set for anyone that knows the area headed off through Tain to the Inver road alongside the old airfield- lovely long stretch of straight road where I said i would show him the Nitro working - I said I would tap him on the legs and let rip.The next part would have made me a fortune if I had managed to get it on tape, 5th gear hitting 60 taps him on the leg and hist Nitro boost - "Oh Jesus" ( I screamed that cause I thought I was coming to meet him and although an atheist I hedge my bets) the front wheel left the deck - he fell backwards and his legs caught me under the arms and lifted my hands off the bars, riding along at 70mph+ front wheel in the air and us engaged in some sort of sordid gay sex ritual on the back. For some reason that day was not to be my last and I managed to get my hands on the bars before the front wheel came back down and regained composure - time to head home I think.Back at my house he took off the helmet and I have never seen someones face that colour before it was completely devoid of blood, after a coffee for him to calm down he said he was interested  But was not willing to offer my full asking price - says he will only go to £2800  I had to seriously think about that, I mean £600 more than I wanted what was I supposed to do.So after formal discussions and the emptying of his wallet everything was sorted, My driveway where it meets the road has a dip that can even catch me out at times, here was the sugar plum fairy straight out of training camp on a GSXR1100 covering the rear brake and pulling off where he hits the dip, yanks back on the throttle and promptly hits the fence on the other side of the road.After picking the bike out of the hedge I pointed it in the right direction for him and told him to phone me when he gets home ( yes I genuinely was worried ) for the mile I could see him I am sure he did not get out of 2nd gear.Should have taken him about 4 hours max to get home, it was 9 hours before he phoned me to tell me he got home and then came the killer "Did I want to buy the bike back"  Certainly not it's been dropped  I did get a phone call from a dealer about a week later asking me to confirm the mileage as the bike was getting traded in and it had done less than 200 miles since picking it up so I have a funny feeling he got it trailered part of the way home that night, cause it was trailered into the dealers - what did he buy?? I had to ask - a 600 Hornet.One final little anecdote, when the the bike came to me the Nitro switch was not wired up to I fitted it to the horn button ( who needs a horn anyway - behave!!!) I always wondered if he would remember as hitting that by mistake would give new meaning to phrase "beep beep now ya bastid"

Jokes, Games & Silly Things