This made me chuckle... so I thought I would share it!!
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large." "I told her: "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will!" Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem. Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly" replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that". Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack. "Exactly" replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."
I thought peeps might just enjoy reading this lol
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?""Anything, Father."I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?""I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?""I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he wassporting a huge erection."Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life." "Is that true father?""Yes, it is, Sister.""Oh Father that's wonderful, Stick it in the camel and let's get the f...out of here."
cop on a horse says to a little girl,did santaget you that bike.Yes she replies,well tell him to put a reflector on it next year and fines the little girl 5 bucks.the little girl looks up at the cop and says "nice horse did santa give you that"the cop chuckles and replies "sure did".Well said the little girl "tell santa the prick goes under the horse,not on top"
One day, three parrots were on sale in a pet shop, at £200, £100 and £15."Why's that parrot so cheap?" asks the woman, who'd come in to buy one."Well, it swears a lot, and it used to belong to a brothel," replied the shopkeeper.The woman, being a broadminded sort, thought it was quite funny; she bought the parrot and took it home."F*ck me, a new brothel!" squawked the parrot, as soon as she stepped through the door.After a while, her daughters returned home. "F*ck me, new prossies!" screeched the parrot.Then the husband came in. "F*ck me, Dave!" exclaimed the parrot. "Haven't seen you for weeks!"
3 women sitting in a cafe,first lady says "im havin a boob job".Second lady says "im having my arsehole bleached",and the third lady says"cant imagine you husband as a blonde
"I'm baffled by your orange penis" the doc told his patient, "does anyone else in your family have this condition ?"
The concerned fellow said "no".
"Do you handle any chemicals at work ?".
"I don't work".
"Well what do you do all day?" asked the doctor.
"Watch porn and eat Wotsits".
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him" The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him" The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me" The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Egypt</st1:place></st1:country-region>, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Spain</st1:place></st1:country-region>; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.No pun in ten did.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The Penis Wants a Raise.................I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following Reasons:1. I do physical labour. 2. I work at great depths.3. I plunge head first into everything I do.4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment.6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures.8. My work exposes me to diseases.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dear Penis,After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight.2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work???????????????? Period.3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Working.6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts.?10. You sometimes leave your designated area before you have completed the assigned task.11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely,The Management~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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