Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
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It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
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Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.
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Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often.
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Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead.
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Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon.
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Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was funny that way.
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Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
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Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
but never seen her bare
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Her knicker all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
It was Little Boy Blue and his horn
Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
Every time she turned her back
The bulldog tried to.....make friends with it in that unique doggy way!
A boy stood on the burning deck
eating red hot scollops
one fell down his trouser leg
and burnt him on the ...ankle
.........................................
.........................................
completely missed his bollocks!
RIP the great Kenney Everett.
And now folks the memorial Les Dawson gag:
My mother in law.....I tell ya....my mother in law........she hasn't got tonsils, she's got a fan belt!
And a quick Pam Ares one I wrote for a sketch.
(needs to be done in a pam ares accent for best effect)
"My husband is a lovely man..
He drives the councils gritters...
Friday night he came home drunk..
Ant took me up the s....
STAIRS you fithy lot!
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