student nurse and doctor are doing there rounds when they go int a room and the patient is a man and he's having a w*nk the nurse is shocked and says what the hell is he doing that for in a hospital, doctor turns and says to her, Well nurse this man has a rare condition, he produces too much sperm so needs to relieve himself at least five times a day or it will kill him,,
they move along and after a short while they come to another room and there is a nurse giving oral sex to a man in the bed and the student nurse shreikes what the hell is she doing that for,,,,,,,,, well nurse this man has the same condition as the previous patient,,,,,
but he's with BUPA
thank you hehe
after a fry up an loads of tea[hangover cure] the escorts booked to arrive in her santa costume about 11am,[try gettin one on xmas day!!bloody treble time!!]3 minutes later i am headin to the pub!nice walk past the down an outs in the seafront shelters celebratin in thier time honoured way of urinatin an shoutin at the peeps passin by!passin by family homes i hear the usual shoutin an screamin of highly stressed mothers tryin to make some sort of family day of it!few kids will probably be out on there bikes with new ipods stuck in there ears mowin down unsuspectin pedestrians while lookin at a music video under there hoods.make it to the pub be different this year as the smokers with there celebratorie cigars will have to be miserable outside!!usual gaggle of husbands n partners in escapin the bedlam at home!they'l be dead meat when they make it back drunk an late for dinner!!after a few jd's an canada dry,head to my sis's for dinner play games wiv my kids who hopefully will be there[daughter who's 20 is seein a 40 odd yr old divored bloke with kids, yu peeps with daughter's youve got it comi'n],back home early evenin to watch a film with a nice bottle of red with the usual ham salad!!unless the single blonde mum next door invites me round for a drink[she did last year an i couldn,t go!!]
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b***a*ds who want off, get the h*ll off now,' cos this is the last stop! And all of you b***a*ds who are getting on, get your a*se in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son,"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. "Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."
<o:p></o:p>
Life ain't so bad
Merry christmas,
So you think life is bad........How would you like to be an egg? you only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes four minutes to get hard, only two to get soft, you share your box with five other guy's, but worst of all.........the only chick ever sat on your face is your mum!!!!!!!!!!!
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”
ARIES - The AggressiveOutgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world. TAURUS - The TrampAggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight.Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! GEMINI - The TwinNice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's will not take any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Gemini's can be very sarcastic and childish at times, and are very nosey.Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. CANCER - The BeautyMOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative Person, most's are artists and insane respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compareSpontaneous. Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! LEO - The LionGreat talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A leo's problem becomes everyone's problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. VIRGO - The One that WaitsDominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. The do not forgive and never forgetThe one and only. LIBRA - The Lame OneNice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Kinda dumb at times. SCORPIO - The AddictEXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous OneSpontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. CAPRICORN - The Passionate LoverLove to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet.Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Alwaysgets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports. Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants.Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. AQUARIUS - Does It In The WaterTrustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being inlong-term relationships. Can be clumbsy at times but tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy, and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when their not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their familiy. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. PISCES - The Partner for LifeCaring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes et used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.
A young couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month..." the young man replied sadly. The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the Reverend. "We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either...
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let mescrew you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. " She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called herboyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for hisgirlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The b*stard used coins!"Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
The star signs are a bit misleading, some repeat each other and a lot of the interpretations are tommy wollocks = not true to the actual astrological sign at all. Why is it classed as ADULT humour? In fact I don't find it funny at all but maybe it's cos I'm a bit 'blonde' lol
ROFL @ 'Johnny in the office' joke
2 guys are in a bar , an have a chat over there beers 1 guy says i was married 3 times ,the frist man explains to the second man.
and he says i'll never marry again , my frist two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms , the 3rd wife died of a fractured skull , the second man says thats a shame how did that happen . the 1st man says she wouldnt eat the dam mushrooms
Gemini alright thats me. wow so there is an advantage to being 76 after all, I get to be locked up, now that does sound like fun or do you mean in a cupboard TM and not with handcuffs and fun stuff.
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