I took my grandad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court . I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My grandad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'Knowing my grandad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response...'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by. He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head. The procession passes by the intersection and the biker puts on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up. The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
A gorgeous redhead goes to the Doctors complaining that her body hurts wherever she touches it... 'Impossible' says the Doc...'show me?'.....
The redhead took her finger...pushed her breast and screamed....then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more... She pushed her ankle and screamed again.... Everywhere she touched made her scream....
The Doctor said....'you're not really a redhead are you...?'
'No' she replied...'I'm actually a blonde'...
'I thought so'..Doctor says....'your fingers broken....'.......
lol Arf......dont think i could compete.....spesh with WB's posts -make me smile on a frequent basis..and she doesnt have to be tellin a joke...one funny lady!!
And Wills....yup...blonde....but for some strange reason I like blonde jokes...!!
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity........
It has just been announced that the Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The action followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's Work for the Dole Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed Scousers were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech gear. This was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Ferrari management, as most F1 races are won and lost in the pits. Ferrari are seen to now have a massive advantage over every other team.Ferrari got more than they bargained for, however, during the Scouse crew's first practice session. Not only were they able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had also resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Special Brew, a gram of Coke and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower......
LOL *through slightly clenched teeth*
Oooops......sorry Wills....!
(meant to put a 'no offence to any scousers' on that one...)
*slinks off to get back under her stone...*
I only post this cos I know the People of Liverpool have a great sense of humour....
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know each other..."
He said "That's alright, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up from his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in a pike position, straightened out and cut through the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said "That was amazing!"
He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey..."
Paddy phones an ambulance after his mate is hit by a car....Paddy 'Get an ambulance here quick he's bleedin from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken...'Operator: 'What is your location sir?'Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Boulevard'Operator: 'How do you spell that sir...?'silence and a minute later...Operator: 'Are you there sir...?'silence and a minute later...Operator: 'Sir...can you hear me...?'this goes on for another few minutes until....Operator: 'Sir please answer...can you still hear me...?'Paddy: 'oh yes sorry bout dat....I just dragged him round to 3 Oak Street...... <!--colorc--><!--/colorc-->
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