This is a genuine complaint to ......... Police Station from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to .......... Police Station. Lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir / Madam / Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at ..........
Police Station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea
and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass
this message on to your colleagues in .......... Police Station, by
means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in .......... Crescent, which is just off
.......... Street Belfast.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes
an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then
I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to
lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - After replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police
car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will
of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems
caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for .......... Police
Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community
Beat Officer... May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills? In the five or so years I have lived in .......... Crescent , I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the
acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a
wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to
explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these
twats that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere.
The pitch on .......... Road , or the one at .......... Park are both
within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the
latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll
buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.
Regards
?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact
!!!
love it, and they have no choice but to be nice back.......I have lived at the same address about 11 years and have seen the police drive/ never walk about 4 times one of those times was after we were burglerised......they went through the house looking for this looking for that and you could tell a lot of surfaces were disturbed.....police thought they were druggies getting an easy burglary in a quiet suburban area.........
mmmhhh druggies who spent so long trying to smash in a double glazing window.....idiots, unsuccessfully and then used a whirly drying pole to go through the back door window.....rifled every room and cupboard but didn't leave a scrap of DNA or finger prints......funny how they only dusted the back door and nothing else....... fecking idiots...oh and the thieves were pretty stupid too....they left behind the dvd the life of Brian?????????what gives???????????
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