Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane & asks "is he a guide dog"?
"No i"m a drugs officer, he"s a sniffer dog watch this" & says to the dog
"Search"
The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap, "Heroin" the guy says & makes a note of the passenger
The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap "Coke" the guy says
The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat, "what does that
mean"? The man asks "He"s found a fucking bomb"
th
A Dustman knocks on a japanese mans door one morning.
The man says "harro wot u wann?.
Dustman says "where"s ya bin"
"i bin on loo" says the man
"No mate where"s ya dustbin?"
"I dust bin on loo"! says the man,...."no no mate, stop fuckin me about, where"s ya wheelie bin?"
"Hokay, i wheelie bin havin a wank
There"s a new alchoholic vagina gel that women can rub on there flaps, so that when a guy goes down he can have a bevvy aswell.
However the government have banned it amid fears of 24hr minge drinking!!!!!!
*Wife Joke*
My ex wife could manipulate the muscles of her fanny so it felt like you were getting a blow job, which is ironic because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt
Three men die on Christmas Eve and get to the gates of heaven.St Peter stops them nd says, "I can only let you in if you have something Christmasy on you!"So the first man pulls out a lighter and lights it. "Here you go thats the light of life." he says. "Fair enough." says St Peter.The second man pulls out his cars keys and rattles them, "There you go, thats jingle bells." he says. "That will do me." say St Peter.The other guy thinks for a second the undoes his belt pulling out his 10 inch willy, St peter says, "What has that gota do with christmas?"The man looks at him and says, "Well thats a cracker init!"
A recent survey has found that some men like women with long legs, while other men like women with short legs.However the majority of men prefer somewhere inbetween.
Just asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas.She said she wasn't really bothered just as long as it's twice as big as last year.That's easy then i'll be getting her knickers again!
On a recent trip to the United States, David Cameron addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. He spoke for almost an hour about how his government would save the failing British economy. At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed David then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to David Cameron. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
So, for the first time in the British Royal Navy's history, women will be allowed to serve alongside men in submarines.As if air content isn't a large enough problem 2,000 feet beneath the waves, the poor lads now need to worry about the dangers of increased CO2 levels, undoubtedly produced as a result of their constant nagging.
A woman open's her door to see her husband's boss standing there.He said, "Hello,Mary,can i come in?,, i've some terrible new's about John,"She said, "What is it,is he alright?",He said, "I don't know how to tell you this,but there was a terrible accident at the brewery,John fell into a vat of beer and drowned."Mary said, "Oh no, my poor John,That's terrible, but tell me, did he at least go quickly?"The boss said, "Well he would have, but he got out three time's to have a piss!"
In an effort to protect my car, I've just nailed a wig to the fence at the bottom of my drive.My missus always manages to drive into the thing yet can spot a blonde hair on my collar from 15 feet.
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
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