a woman decides to spice up her sex life , so buys a pair of crotchless panties. she sits opposite her husband with her legs open. he looks .... and asks .." are u wearing crotchless knickers ? " . OH YES ! she replies with a cheeky little smile . thanks god for that says the hubby ... i thought the sofa had burst !!!
A football fanatic marries his girlfriend.
On their wedding night they are lying in bed when the guy takes hold of his new wifes hand, rubs it up and down his left leg then says 'Can you feel that?' to which his wife replies with anticipation ' Yes'.
'I've scored some great goals with that, Wham! straight in the back of the net' he says.
He then rubs her hand up and down his right leg. 'Can you feel that?' he says. Again with anticipaition, she replies 'Yes'.
'I've scored some fantastic goals with that one too' he says.
He then rubs her hand on his forehead and asks the same question.
Thinking that this may be the start of some wierd form of sexual foreplay she again replies 'Yes'.
'I've done some great 'Headers' with that, Whallop! straight in the back of the net'.
He then does nothing for ten minutes.
His frustrated wife decided to take control of the situation and instigate some action.
She takes his hand and rubs it firmly betwen her legs.
'Have you felt one of these before?' she asks.
The guy rolls over toward her and replies,
'Yes'
'When I missed a bloody penalty'.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist, insomniac?
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HE SAT UP ALL NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE IS A DOG.
blonde take her broken car to garage fearing a huge bill.she asks the mechanic wots up with it, just shit n the air filter love,she says really! how often do i have 2 do that then?
husband comes home from work and says to wife,get me a beer quick b4 it starts.he drinx it and says,get me another b4 it starts,he drinx that 1 and says,quick get me another b4 it starts, she says,listen here u fat lazy c**t. u walk in and start barking orders,he says (fuck me! its started )
a woman asks her husband for new shoes. ur not getting them he replied.that night in bed,he tried to put his hand on her f***y. she shoves it away and says " if you cant shoe the horse? your not fukin ridin it
1. What's grey and comes in pints?
2. What is white, steaming and comes out of cows?
Answers below.
1. An Elephant.
2. The Isle of white Ferry. (Cowes).
bloke go's to the doctors havin problems with premature ejaculation and is told "when you feel ur self coming give urself a fright by firing a starter pistol into the air to prolong the sex"
2 days later the doctor sees him again to see how he got on. the bloke said not good ! we were in a 69 and i felt myself start to cum so i fired the gun .. my wife shit in my face bit the end off my c£*k & the milkman came out the wardrobe with his hands up
Doctor gives patient 2 suppositories and tells him to go home and
put them in his back passage - come back in a week's time
Patient goes back following week and Dr asks how he got on ?
Patient replies "Those suppositories didn't work at all...
I put them in my back passage, put them in the front hall, tried them on the landing - even left them on the stairs...
For all the good they did me - I might as well have shoved them up my arse !"
I visited the doctors for advice as my sex drive seemed to be slowing down.
He told me that it was probably due to my age and asked when I had first noticed the change.
I told him, three times last night and twice this morning.
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