There's a bit missing from one of those articles:
Staff at the Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh managed to remove the attachment after an hour.... of unsuccessfully stifling their giggles.
As for the man with the picnic table... you're only supposed to HUG the trees... not copulate with them once they've been felled and turned into picnic tables!
Don't let RC see the giant bucking penis thingy!
When a woman wears a leather dress,A man's heart beats quicker,and his throat gets dry,he goes weak in the knees,and he begins to think irrationally.
-Ever wondered why?
Because she smells like a new car
Got one for ya.....
Bloke comes home from work one evening, wife sais "Hello dear, what would you like for your tea?"
He replies "Nothing sweetheart, i just wanna f**k you".
Which they proceed to do, in various positions, all over the place.
Bloke gets in from work the next night, wife asks "What would you like for your tea tonight dear?"
Same reply, "Nothing, i just wanna f**k you"
Again which they do, with complete abandon.
This carries on all that week, then the next night when he gets in from work, he opens the front door, and finds his wife stark naked, running up the stairs & sliding down the bannister, so he asks her "What on earth are you doing?" She replies, "I'm just warming up your tea" ;o)
K. Here's one for the girls - but not sure about the level of intervention on "mod"..............
Man teases ex wife's new husband. "How's the second hand P$ssy?"
New husband says - "it's great thanks. After the first two inches it's brand new!!!!""
THE DEVIL MADE ME SEND THISHere are some X-rated riddles:
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.Q. What's a mixed feeling?A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.Q What's the height of conceit?A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name
Q. What's the definition of macho?A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A. A guy will actually search for a golf ballQ. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!Q.Why is divorce so expensive?A. Because it's worth it!Q. What is a Yankee?A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?A. They both like a tight seal.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?A: Kick his sister in the jaw.Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: 45 pounds.Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?A: 45 minutes.Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?A The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebodyLive well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!
When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.But After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimetres. I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.After an Initial examination, the doctor explained to us that though rare, my condition, Donkey Doodle, could be fixed through corrective surgery.
'How Long will he be on crutches?' my wife asked anxiously.'Crutches? Why would he need crutches? ' responded the surprised doctor. 'Well,' Said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
Fuck you
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."It can be political- "Fuck D an Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima " Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic "Thats not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon "Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger" "What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah
London, 19th May Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
glad it was liked guys & gals please don't take offense as it was not aimed at anyone, also i don't get it have done something wrong do you think the mods will want to talk to me or something ha ha hey i hold my hands up, i thought swearing was ok were all adults here.
if there is trouble with it just let me know and i will say my sorrys and take my spanking like man.
4german dwarfs went 2 amsterdams red light district & hired the services of a 6ft tall prostitute they went back 2 the hotel room stripped off tied springs 2 their feet and gave her the best shag she had ever had and that is known in the trade as the 4 sprung dwarf technique!
Ode to a penis
I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick. You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick. The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous. Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless; I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.
It starts to grow dramatically,When you're about thirteen. Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between. When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.
It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.Its seeds are hidden well within;Awaiting some fresh soil. At the slightest hint of lust,It's ready to uncoil.
It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.It squirms and writhes and stretches out;When you expect it least. You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.
Handle it with love and care;For it can give great pleasure.Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure? Still, no matter what its length;It's something you should treasure.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;Erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't. Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.
Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.Is seven inches long enough?It makes blokes quite distraught. They peek across in public loos, And try not to get caught.
Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.But those are just old wives' tales;Outdated and naive. And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.
Without this fabulous device,No shag would be complete. Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat. And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.
The penis is quite marvelous;It has so many uses. For women it is special too;Excitement it induces.And babies can be procreated,From its sperm-filled juices.
And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.Just look at it and feel proud;And thank the lord you're male.
Think carefully before asking for a raise... these extracts taken from actual personnel records:
Dear Ms. Gina,
I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour,
I work at great depths,
I don't get weekends or public holidays off,
I work in a dark, damp environment with poor ventilation,
I work in high temperatures,
my work potentially exposes me to contagious diseases.
Trusting in your prompt, positive response,
Yours sincerely,
P.Niss, Esq.
Dear Mr Niss,
Thank you for your recent letter requesting a pay rise.
Having assessed and duly considered your supporting arguments, we regret to inform you that we have rejected your request for the following reasons:
You don't work 8 hours straight,
You fall asleep after brief work periods,
You rarely take initiative and have to be pressured and stimulated into starting work,
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift,
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
And if that wasn't enough, you constantly enter the workplace, carrying 2 suspicious bags!
Yours sincerely,
V.Gina.
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