There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mum called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees he has no food. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mum says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should I?"
WHY NOT TRY OUR NEW CHINESE RESTAURANT
{ WAN KEE MOFF }
PROPRIETRESS WILMA FINGADU
MAIN DISHES.
1. Kum Soon........................Meat Rolled In Fingers
2. Rec Tum Bloc...................Extra Large Sausage
3. Sur Kum Size....................Sauasage Sliced
4. Kon Doms........................Entre Coat
5. Eja Ku Lait........................Shoots {Extra Long}
6. Pu Biks.............................Tender Young Sprouts
7. Wot Kung Fu Dat..............Tossed Salad
8. Kwit Wuns........................Surprise Peas
9. Pee Soff...........................Chinese Leaves
10. Fan Tom Ah Sol................Brown Sauce With Nuts
11. Ten Wen Tu Lu..................Many Chinese Beans
SPECIALITIES
12. Up You..............................Chinese Toast
13. Bo Gee..............................Pick Of The Day
14. Kow Poo...........................Savoury Pancake
15. Tung Mein..........................Plate Of The Day
16. Ho Mo...............................Sausage Surprise
17. Hung Well..........................Extra Large Meat Balls
18. Itchi Fani............................Small Crabs
19. Scro Tum Roll.....................Chinese Surprise
20. Lee Kee Dik........................Matured Meat and Dripping
21. Hoo Flung Dung..................Hors D-Oeuvers
22. Ho Mo Gang Bang..............Mince Forcemeat With A Touch Of Ginger
DESSERTS
23. Fli Tee Bit...........................Hong Kong Tart
24. Yo Pong.............................Crap Suzette
25. Hoo Shit In Fan..................Chocolate Spread
26. Vee Dee.............................Spotted Dick
27. Or Jee................................Chinese Stuffing On A Bed Of Mandarins
28. Tu Ton On Goo Lees...........Crushed Nuts
DRINKS
29. Wob Lee Tit........................Milk Shake
30. Nu Den Chers.....................Aperitith
THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything i do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp enviroment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Sincerely P. NISS
THE RESPONSE.
Dear P. NISS
After assessing your request, and considering the arguements you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take the initiative- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don"t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65 years old.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious- looking bags.
Sincerely V. GINA
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Apparently Wayne Rooney's Boxing day session included a Tia Maria, Bloody Mary and a Black Russian.So far all three prostitutes have refused to comment.
One of the mental patients in my ward has just had his wicked way with two laundry ladies and made a run for it.I'm sure tomorrow's headline will read,'Nut screws washers and bolts'.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, ..."What would you like, sir?"Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"A quickie, please."This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
Its very rewarding, but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husbands voice right!
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps! So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well!However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned .... amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking :-/.
A lady midget goes to the doctor complaining about an itchy f@nny.The Doc lifts her skirt, takes a pair of scissors and snip, snip, snip, lowers her skirt.She walks a few paces and says "its better, but still itchy"So he lifts her skirt again, and snip, snip, snip."Thats cured me what did you do" she says?He says "I just trimmed the fur from the top of your Ugg boots!!"
Little Johnny jumps on the bus n sits behind the driver. Johnny starts chanting at the top of his voice " if my mum was a cow n my dad was a bull then I'd be a calf...if my mum was a ewe n my dad was a ram then I'd be a lamb.....if my mum was a mare n my dad was a stallion then I'd be a foal...." The driver was gettin pissed off and said to Johnny " if your mum was a whore n your dad was a wanker then what would you be?"
Johnny replied ....." a bus driver"
Injury Lawyers 4U are shit!
When our neigbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing my fence they told me to take a picture of her gash..
Guess who's up in court tomorrow ?.
To spice up her dead sex life, a wife puts on crotchless panties, together with a short skirt, and sits at the edge of the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses and crosses her legs enough time that her husband finally asks "are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss" she answers with a seductive smile. "THANK GOD" he said " I thought you were sitting on the cat"
Kids know so much about sex these days.
This morning I was in the Doctors waiting room and I saw a little girl playin with her Barbie & Ken dolls, simunlating sex doggy style.
I leant over and said to her, ''If your not careful, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls''.
The girl looked over to me and replied, ''Don't be a dick, kens doin Barbie up the ass''.
Birds and BeesA mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
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