Saw this ages ago, but got sent it recently. Thought it funny enough to post though. Not very 'over 18s' though....soz
--How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
--How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy it her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A Welsh man was walking through a field and sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".
The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
Fred and Mary use a code for sex - the words 'washing machine'.
That night in bed Fred whispers to Mary, 'Washing machine'.
She replies, "Not tonight dear I'm tired".
Five minutes later she feels guilty and says to Fred, "Washing machine".
"Too late" said Fred "it was only a small load so I did it by hand"
care of The Finish Line.
Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks 'Dad, what love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex. Johnny sits with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says 'so what were you watching?' Johnny says 'Wimbledon'
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!"Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?""Been in the business 60 years!"Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See he mated 50 times last year? ... once-a-week." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more Operations he will be ok.<o:p></o:p>
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