My mother said,
that I never should,
play with the naughty rude girls in the wood.
Their giggling talk,
I could never understand,
And that's why I fell in love with my right hand.
And that's why,
(Chorus)
I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker,
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker,
I'm a wanker,
And I'm always pulling my pud.
I was twenty five years old before I was kissed,
And then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist.
It's cheap and convenient,
You can't catch VD,
It's available at any time,
And it's absolutely free.
And that's why,
(Chorus)
Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind,
I've got pains in my arms,
And my dong is growing shorter,
My knees have turned to water,
And I think I'm going blind.
I've wanked over Italy,
I've wanked over Spain,
I've wanked in an omnibus,
I've even had a wank in a train.
I've used a badger and a melon and a cat,
An inflatable Linda Lovelace and a Davy Crocket hat,
And that's why,
(Chorus)
'Ere listen!
Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,
Thank you for having me and being oh so kind,
I've got pains in my arms,
And my dong is getting shorter,
My knees have turned to water,
And I think I'm going blind.
(Chorus x6)
I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!
It does me good!
I'm a wanker!
I'm always pulling me pud!
I'm a wanker!
I'm a wanker!
I cant believe that no one spotted where i took the words from lol
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a
women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and
long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means
"Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start
with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half
an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when
it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with
you about "Nothing." (See #3)
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most
dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a
man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This
will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the
woman's response, see #3.)
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