Wife is in labour shouting the usual "get this out of me" - "give me the drugs".
She turns to her husband and says "You did this to me".
He replies casually "If you remember I wanted to stick it up your a**e, so it's your own f***ing fault!"
TECHNOLOGY UPDATE:
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters in rural France last year, archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Dublin marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago the Irish were using wireless technology.
TECHNOLOGY UPDATE:
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters in rural France last year, archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.
Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Dublin marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago the Irish were using wireless technology.
Two policemen sitting at the side of a see-saw in the park.. An old lady comes up and asks if everything is ok... The policemen reply.. shhhhh we have been tipped off....
On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing supremo is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer sor" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" Inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"**** Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!
Two bikers are pulled up at a stop sign. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting by.
He pulls the bike to the side of the road, gets off, stands by its side, takes off his helmet, and bows his head. The procession passes by the intersection and the biker puts on his helmet, gets back on the bike, and starts it up.
The other biker comes over and says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first biker responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
An expert on the supernatural is giving a Halloween lecture on ghosts at a large municipal auditorium.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 people raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 people raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 people raise their hands.
Next he asks, "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" And three people raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
Way in the back, this biker named Snake raises his hand.
The expert takes off his glasses, and says, "Sir, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big biker gets out of his seat and with a nod and a grin, begins to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the expert says, "Now, sir, please tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
And the biker replied, "Ghosts? Shit!!! From way back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!!"
A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little teddy that she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband & says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember.""Well, what is it?" she asks.He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission Accomplished"
One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of boxers out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my undies?”
She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!”
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