A reporter was assigned to interview patients at a local mental hospital for a feature story. The first patient he encountered appeard to be swinging an imaginary bat. "You getting out of here soon?" inquired the reporter. "Sure thing," replied the dude. "As soon as I hit a home run." The next patient the reporter saw seemed to be playing golf without a golf club. "Tell me," said the reporter, "Will you be getting outta here soon?" This time the response was, "You bet! Just as soon as I get a hole-in-one." Going into the ward for the criminally insane, the reporter spied a biker with his dick in a bowl of nuts. Approaching him, the reporter asked the man if he was going to be getting out soon. "Are you kidding?" asked the bro. "Can't you see I'm f**kin' nuts?"<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P> </O:P>
Three guys are at a bar a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker. The doctor as he is drinking his wine says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a fur coat and a gold necklace. That way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because I gave her a gold necklace". The lawyer while drinking his martini says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my wife a designer dress and diamond earrings. That way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because I gave her diamond earrings". The biker as he is drinking his shots of whiskey says, "for Valentines Day I am going to give my ol’ lady a tee shirt and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the tee shirt she can go f**k herself".<O:P> </O:P>
Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White House intern one day at a gathering. The president says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and see my clock?" She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so." The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you." "No, Mr. President, I really can't." "Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute." "All right. If it won't take long." They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick. The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock." To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P> </O:P>
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'? Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." She says, "Buckwheat is dumb". "Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence". Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid". Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate". Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."<O:P> </O:P>
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."<O:P> </O:P>
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board! Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.At the third red light, the same thing happens again.All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Iowa and I'm driving the"SALT TRUCK"
Blonde listening to the weather forecast on the radio – the announcer says that there will be heavy snow and to allow the snow ploughs to do their job all cars must be parked on the even numbers side of the road.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The blonde rushes out and moves the car.<o:p></o:p>
A few days later the radio announcer again predicts heavy snow and says that cars should be parked on the odd numbers side. The blonde dutifully moves the car.<o:p></o:p>
The following week the announcer again forecasts snow but the blonde misses which side of the road to park on.<o:p></o:p>
She calls her husband and asks which side she should park and he says “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage”<o:p></o:p>
Snow White has been married for some time and decides to invite her old friends the seven dwarfs for tea. Unfortunately only Happy and Grumpy can attend as the others are too busy at the mine.
After tea the three are relaxing when Happy says to Snow White “Do you still have the magic mirror?”
“Yes” says Snow White “but I haven’t used it for some time”
“Go and see if it still works” says Happy.
So off goes Snow White returning a few moments later saying “I’m still the fairest in the land. Your turn Happy.”
Off goes Happy and on returning declares “Yes, I’m still the Happiest in the land. Your turn Grumpy.”
Grumpy moans and groans but is eventually persuaded to try the mirror. He comes running back and shouts “Hey! Who’s this f***ing TANGOMAN”
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