A little old lady went into the Commonwealth Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came to get this money, he asked how did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" Sure," said the president, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." As she cupped his balls in her hands, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Commonwealth Bank's president's balls in my hands."
Those were great hun ty for the laughter will I'm taking a break from making the carol book.
PMSL you want one hun they only £5 and are the best carol book around
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see" Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars""What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, somebody has stolen our tent"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for."Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?""Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!""No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?""Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
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