I have a kettlle and i switched it on but i walked sideways to get to it and this is were it gets really dirtybecouse it hasn't been cleaned in a while and that becouse i was harponin puffins on the isle of Pogmoor becouse they are vermin and they pinch mi chips and i have paid for them its not like i got them for nowt anyway think the F.B.I has fone me so got to go just think i am basilden bond, over and out.
A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
If Women Drink ...
Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......
IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Castle Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
Wine
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
I went to a disco last night after the football. DJ played 'Sit Down' and we all sat down. He played 'Jump Around' we all jumped around .... Then he played 'Come on Eileen' ... I got kicked out!!!!
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a chair at him?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Repaired Rachel with a punture repair kit from the garage across the road, put her on the compressor but she got really big and her head came off, so thats me and a Nolan sister's dvd toneet, bugga.
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