My Brother took being sent to jail really badly.
He refused all offers of food and water,spat and swore at anyone that came near him and smeared the walls with his own shit.
After that, we never played Monopoly ever again !!
I was sitting on the toilet with a runny nose when I reached over to find only one sheet of toilet paper remained.
"Great!" I thought to myself, now I'm going to have to find a way to wipe my arse and blow my nose with one sheet.
Challenge accepted, although I kind of wish I'd have blown my nose first and then wiped my arse.
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night. After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum and dad are asleep."
"I can see that" she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"
... A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
I put a porno dvd on the tv ,sat down to watch it and it was just a picture of a fat bloke with his cock in his hand, then i realised i hadn't turned the telly on !
I was working in Tesco, re-arranging boxes of soap powder in aisle 7, when in walks the blonde girl i'd scored with last night . "Oi! " You told me you were s stunt pilot... you lying bastard, " No , i told you i was part of the Ariel display team....!
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted.
"A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore, I'd never visit another fuckin' Thai brothel!
My mate Brian and I were going out to a site the next morning, it was 250 miles away so we had to set off about 2.30 am to be there for 8 am (ish). He was driving this time so we arranged to pick me up at the end of my road.
Now he still lived with his parents and his elderly grand mother who was going senile, suffering frequent senior moments.
Brian set his alarm to vibrate so he wouldn't wake anyone else and went off to sleep. Next thing he knew, I was ringing him at 3.00 am. He had obviously not heard his alarm so didn't wake up early enough to get ready at his own pace.
Brian is a very highly strung individual who panics about everything, especially punctuality. Consequently he rushed to get dressed, ran to the bathroom to freshen himself up with a quick splash and wipe with the flannel, jumped into his car and shot off in my direction. He must have had a jet engine in that car that night. It seemed like he was there in a few minutes even though he lived 15 miles away from me.
A few miles down the motorway he said "Denis, can you smell shit?" I said "very faintly now you come to mention it, but I thought it was your aftershave eau-de-colon"
Then the penny dropped.
His grandmother had gone for a shit in the night and wiped her arse with the flannel.
At a job interview
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty"
"I don't think honesty is a weakness"
"I don't give a fuck what you think"
I met up with this woman from the internet. After about 5 minutes i said----"I couldnt believe my luck when i saw your profile ,we share the same hobby".
"It was a typo " she said, "I'm really into Walking, please pull your trousers up !!
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5ཇ'' tall, beautiful blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match."
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet!
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c--t?'
'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
Ray had been in the army for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys an abandoned sheep station in the outback as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation there is a knock on his door. He opens it to see a huge, bearded man standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from 20 klms up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great,' says Ray, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local people. Thanks, mate!'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. There'll be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem,' says Ray. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with most people, I'll be all right!… I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Ray, warming even more to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there! By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter, mate ... Just gonna be the two of us'.
Alzheimer's test ... how fast can you guess these words ?
1. f--k
2. pu-s-
3. s-x
4. p-n-s
5. co-k
6. -unt
Answers
1. fork
2. pulse
3. six
4. pants
5. cork
6. aunt
You got all six wrong didn't you !
My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candlelit table and the place settings for two.
"Oh this is a surprise" she said.
"Too fuckin' right it is" I replied, "I didn't expect you back till monday".
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