I dragged a chubby bird home with me from the pub last night.
She went straight into the bedroom, got undressed and lay spreadeagled on the bed.
She said, "You know what I want, don't you?"
I said, "Yeah, the whole fucking bed to youself by the looks of things".
I just bought the missus a sheepdog shin bra!
Whilst trying it on she said.
"Oh thanks babe, will it keep my tits warm and cosy?"
I said... "No, but it'll round 'em up and point 'em in the right direction. Perhaps?
I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so I stopped ans said "Jump in, I'll take you home".
"Fuck off ya prick!" he replied.
I said "Fine, suit yourself you ungrateful little git".
So I zipped up my rucksack and kept on walking!!
A bloke phones the local council and says, "Ive just had unconsented sex with a fat, ugly ginger bird. The council lady says , "Maybe you should call the police and confess" ?..The bloke says "I dont want to confess, i want you to fix the feckin lights in the park!! "........
I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up."Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed."Because of the recession?" I asked."No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and made to get a job."
A bra walks into a bar and asks for a beer.The barman says, "I wouldn't advise it.""Why not?" asks the bra."Because you're already off your tits, that's why not."
Little Johnny was walking through the park with his Gran when they saw a 13 year old chav girl drinking cider on a park bench.His gran was disgusted, she said "It's terrible to see how people act these days. I hope your girlfriend would never be seen drinking booze in a park on a Tuesday morning!"He said "Of course not, she's got class.""That's good to hear, it's rare in young women these days." gran replied."No" He explained, "I mean, she's got class on a Tuesday morning, so we don't get pissed till she finishes school".
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.."Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten! For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." What do you mean?" he asks."Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!" Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there.""Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so.""No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." "No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there." "Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T HAVE ANY TEETH DOWN THERE"The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm."I'd like to buy a horth." he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth. "Nithe teeth ... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears."Nithe eerth." he says "Now ... can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that ... Can I see her wun awound?"
David Cameron was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, "£200".
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£200".
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was:"Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My panties as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and Screw me the way you have retirees, then you can have it for free".
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and i...s certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just feckin' slow down?'
Definition of Dilemma
One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.Who are you going to turn your back on?
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?!" she asked."I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, heinstantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"The mother-in-law left.When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she whispered sensually."Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?And that's when it all kicked off........
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