Australian wives are romantic but Australian men are romantic too My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"
I was in an Indian restaurant last night and i got bad stomach cramps. I rushed to the toilet and what came out was vile, dark brown and smelt grotesque. Luckily he'd finished cleaning .......
so i could have a poo....
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says,"Since your about to kill yourself, if you dont mind ,could we have sex please ?"
The woman says "No, feck off".
The tramp turns to leave and replies " Fine, i will just go and wait at the bottom"....
This woman looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said "Is that lager or better?"
I said "There's a tap underneath, taste it and find out".
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stout?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk". Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"
An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster. Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "New South Wales." "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this fuckin' place!”
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
Paddy phones for an ambulance as his mate's been hit by a car.
Operator asks where the accident is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus Road. He's asked:How do you spell that ? The line goes quiet for 5 mins .Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says"Sorry about that , ive just dragged him to number 3 Oak Street...
A man goes to confession after a 16 yr absence .
As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the priest " Confession is different these days Father, i dont remember a leather chair, bottles of whisky, guinness on tap and porn mags being in the booth before " the priest says, "That's because your on my side , you twat" !!!! ....
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.""The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?""1955, ma'am.""Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
The missus came back from buying her costume for a fancy dress party. She put it on to show me. "Wow" i said, "Thats the best killer whale outfit ive ever seen ....She said " Im a Nun you cheeky x
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?" God said, "go down into that valley." Adam asked, "what's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "cross the river."Adam asked, "what's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "go over to the hill...." Adam asked, "what is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "on the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam asked, 'what's a cave?' After God explained, he said, "in the cave you will find a woman." Adam asked, "what's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."Adam asked, "how do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "what is it now?" And Adam said.... * * *** ***"What's a headache?"
My Son said " Dad, when was the first time you fell in love ?"
I said "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde i'd ever seen. Cupid fire his arrow the second i saw her "
He saisd " So what happened "
I said "Nothing . Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fg Mother!!!! " ......
I was hoovering my house today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when hoovering.
I looked at the hoover and then at my penis, then looked again at the hoover and back at my penis and thought to myself.
"Hang on a FG second I've got a penis, Why the FK am I doing the hoovering"
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard Has to work at great depths Has to work upside down Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work Has to work in a high humidity environment Has to work at high temperatures Does not get weekends and holidays off Does not get time off after extra hours of work Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
:) Request denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row Does not answer immediately to all requests After a short activity period, falls asleep at work Shows no fidelity to the workplace Retires too early Does not work at all unless pushed from behind Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work Sometimes leaves work, way too early :)
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