:P This one tickled my sence of humour :) happy reading .....
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Hehehehe .. Thought that would tickle your humour too ;-P .. Here's another .....
A young couple was talking about them having sex. "We can do it at my house, oh wait, my parents are going to be home" said the guy. "Well, my parents are going to be away all week, but I have bunk beds with my little sister" the girl said. "Thats fine, we'll do it on Saturday, oh, and one more thing, the codes, if you want me to go faster, just say ham, if you want me to go softer, just say turkey" he said.
Saturday night happened, they were on the top bunk doing it like crazy. The little sister could hear her sister scream out "Ham, turkey, ham turkey". Finally the little sister got up and said "I don't know why you guys are making sandwiches this late at night, but you're getting the mayo all over me!"
My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the a@£e. I asked, "how do you tell them apart?" He said "oh that's easy, Sally's got massive tits and nicely shaven and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks".
A blonde with humongous tits got into my car for her driving test earlier.After doing the routine checks I said to her, "I'd like you take a left out the test centre followed by your third right please.""Is that the really long road full of speed bumps?" she replied.
During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute, I have to go piss." "That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" " I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." ....... Another tummy shaker LOL
Three guys went to a ski lodge, the rooms are full, so they have to
share a room with one bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the
right wakes up and says, "I had this very wild dream of getting a hand
job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and said "That's unbelievable, I had
the same dream too!". Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away
from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met
someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I
won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in
bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
An old biker sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old leather jacket and leather jeans ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, 'Are you a real biker?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life riding bikes..., first BSA's, then Triumphs... a few Nortons.... Harley Davidsons in WW2 as a dispatch rider, and later on Japanese bikes and now BMW's. I've taught more than 2000 people to pass their test and given rides on the back to hundreds, so I guess I am a biker, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old biker and asked: "are you a real biker?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
... One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mummy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mummy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mummy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, 'ready' for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he is 'ready' ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert." Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimers has its advantages.
P.S.: Have I posted this already?
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge."Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!""Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you... With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Royal Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."
"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."
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