Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says,
"My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat
the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be
needing this any longer, take my pot."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house
for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.
As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to
tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during
dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes.
" When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the
kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back
porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't
done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures
nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops!
her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her
mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her
mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with
her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his
motorcycle.
He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking
dishes."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the fucking wall!”
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
A 'Gay' man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table he is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your Move!"
A women was in Hospital. " What seems to be the problem?" the Doctor asks. "Something is terribly wrong, i keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina"
The Doctor has a look, chuckles and said " Those arn't postage stamps, they're stickers off bananas " !!!
A couple were
married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he
insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my
buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether
you're here or not."
A Red Indian introduced me to his wifw...."This is four horses....." I said "Wow, that's a beautiful name, what does it mean...?
He said " Fin nag nag nag nag ".....
My girlfriend being the romantic sort just sent me a text....
If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
If you are laughing send me your smile
If you are eating send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying send me your tears.
I love you x.
I replied...
"I am having a crap, What do i do. ? "...
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Two mates were car sharing home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouted, "What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?" His mate, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before." The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His mate said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a glass of wine and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try. The next morning, the two mates were back in the car and the other guy asked, "Well. How did it go?" The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX glasses of wine just to get her naked in the front lawn!"
Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.
''Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir,'' says the man with no arms.
But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.
''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the armless man.
''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what the hell is wrong with your penis?''
The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says ''I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
A boss from TATA motors walked into his office one morning, not knowing that his zip was down. His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.When he was done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembered what his secretary had asked him; finally understood. Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open, did you see my JAGUAR parked in there?"The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was "A TATA NANO with 2 flat tyres."
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals. Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there's no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "Wow, that's great!" replied the hunter. "So what's the bad news?" "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Oh, well that's not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
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