Winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight waking up on a winters morning and seeing a pair of tits around your nut sack..
Just remember however thats its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !!!...
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!' The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushe d to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!' The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' The 5t h Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' <o:p></o:p>
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Black, Gay, Deformed, Ginger, Disabled, Feminist, Pakistani.Owing to equal opportunities employment guidelines, this is the new fire crew in the remake of Trumpton.
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?""Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?""I'm a Millwall fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Millwall fan?""Because my mum and dad are from South London and are Millwall fans, so I'm a Millwall fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Millwall fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
A doctor from France says ; In France the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a blokes ball, we put them into another bloke and in six weeks hes looking for work,
German doc says thats bugger all , in Germany we take part of a brain out and then put it in another geezers head and in four weeks hes looking for work.
Russian sod says, So what, in Russia our quacks take a heart from one person and plant it into another person and guess what? In two weeks he is looking for work.
Yorkshire doctor says, You feckin idiots are way behind us in good old England. A few years back in 2010 we grabbed a friggin idiot with no brain, no heart and no balls........We made him prime minister of England, and now the whole fn country is looking for work......
One night a priest and a monk are having showers.They forget the soap and towels, but since its late at night and no-one will be in the church the priest goes to get them, naked.He is in the main hall where he hears female voices, so he pins his back against the wall in pitch darkness, clutching his 2 bars of soap desperately trying not to make a sound.The 3 female voices, belonging to nuns, go up and say to each other 'whats this?'the first nun gives it a tug and he drops a bar of soap.'ooh its a soap dispenser!'the second nun gives it a tug and the priest drops his 2nd bar of soap.'you're right! its a soap dispenser!'the third nun, all excited gives it a tug, but to no avail. she keeps tugging, and tugging away.....'ooh look, hand cream!'
A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the Devil is standing in front of 3 doors. The Devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks."Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink."Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out."Behind the third door is a woman whose sexual desire is unsatiable. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.Finally he manages to say, "Okay, now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Man walks into a bank and says to the prim cashier, ! "I want to open a FG
bank account..
Cashier says " Pardon me but you cant use that sort of language in here ..
So she goes to get the manager..
Manager says to the man " My cashier tells me you are using abusive language towards her, what is your problem Sir ?"
"I havent got a FG bank account and ive won 30 million on the lottery and i want to put it in this FG bank.".
..
"Oh" says the bank manager
"And this FG bitch is being arsey " .........
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