I took my girlfriend to see my parents yesterday, and everything was going great untill my parents asked me what she did for a living.'She's a hooker,' I replied.My dad erupted, shouting 'How dare I bring someone like that into their house'.I still don't understand why people hate women's rugby so much.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. My wife's cell phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band and he wanted to borrow my guitar amp. When he came over to get it he told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.
That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said, "You can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the club and who she comes in with". He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind my 1973 Marshall JMP 50W half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I noticed that one of the preamp tubes was not glowing as brightly as the other three.
Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?
Man walks into a shop and asks for some cat food man behind the counters says do you have a cat man says of course man behind counter says can only sell you cat food if you prove you have a cat so he goes home gets the cat puts on the counter man sells him cat food. same man goes in same shop and asks for dog food man behind counter says prove you have a dog so man goes home gets dog takes it to the shop man sells him dog food.Following day man goes back to shop with package with hole in the top puts in on the counter and says to shop keeper out your hand in there shop keeper puts his hand in the hole and pulls it out looks at his hand and says eeerrrrrrrrr it's shit the man says can i have a toilet roll
A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a country road one evening. He is miles from town. He walks to a nearby farm house, and the farmer doesn't have a phone, but says he'll take the salesman into town in the morning. Since the salesman isn't going anywhere, the farmer offers to put him up for the night. The condition is that he'll have to sleep with his daughter because there aren't any other beds. He is warned to behave himself. The farmer's daughter, who is drop dead gorgeous, is almost 20 years old and has a shape that would easily qualify her as a centrefold.At bed time, the farmer's daughter puts a pillow between herself and the salesman. She explains that her father told her to put the pillow there to separate the two of them. Nothing happens that night.In the morning, the salesman is stowing his bag in the back of the farmer's pickup when he sees the farmer's daughter feeding the chickens on the other side of the fence.He walks up to the fence and offers the farmer's daughter a thank you for sharing her room and her bed. The farmer's daughter walks up to the fence and tells the salesman that he is welcome, and then flashes a bright smile at him and winks. The salesman smiles and says that he has half a mind to climb over the fence and kiss her. She smiles back and says, "If you can't climb over a pillow, how you gonna climb over the fuckin' fence?"
My Missus lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts. To be fair i did warn her not to keep rustling the FG packet while the football was on ...
A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing
nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought
he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the
bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved
with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said
I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned
and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't
think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't
you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor
relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be
rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and
threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG"
as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and
threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result
of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the
job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy
was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his
running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he
ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within
the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor
fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from
someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure
rings a bell."
Do You Have a Vagina?A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'She slams the door in disgust.The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina'?She slams the door again.Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'?'Yes' she says. The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
There's a big party going on and the door bell rings the fella nearest the door opens it and looks down to see a man with no arms and legs the bloke at the door says what do you want, the man with no arms and legs says i want to join the party, the bloke who opened the door says what good would you be at the party,the man with no arms and legs says i rang the effin bell didn't i.
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a thorough bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower."Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some kind of hanky-panky, and I began to look around for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the railing by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes."On seeing he was still alive, my anger and adrenalin found the super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony, lift it and throw it over. It fell straight down, hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air conditioning equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony railing of a 9th floor apartment, but some maniac idiot came rushing out onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I let go and fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge antique chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but I was so paralysed with pain that I couldn't move. I was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologised and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.""I don't know," replied the man, "Picture this, I'm hiding, buck naked in a cedar chest."
she was in the kitchen preparing our usual soft boiled eggs, and toast for breakfast wearing only the t.shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake she said softly you've got to make love to me this instant.
My eyes lit up as I thought Im either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day. Not wanting to loose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said ..thanks.. and returned to the stove her t.shirt still round her neck.
Happy but puzzled I asked what was that all about?
Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer ?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again .
What is the similarity between bungee jumping and sex ?
In both , you go up and down, both are exciting, adventurous and dangerous, and in both cases , if the rubber breaks U R SCREWD..
![over 18' only (29) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![over 18' only (29) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
