A tall blonde stands at a bar having a drink. She feels a tug at her skirt and looks down to see a dwarf looking up at her.
"Can I smell your fanny?" he asks.
"Absolutely not!" she snaped.
The little guy says thoughtfully, "Must be your feet then".
care of The Finish Line
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?" "Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says."Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on"><?xml:namespace prefix = u1 /><u1:City u2:st="on"><u1:place u2:st="on">Cardiff</st1:place></st1:City></u1:place></u1:City> please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
the year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, mick and maureen land on mars.
they meet a martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. mick asks if mars has a stock market, how they make monet etc..
finally maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"just how do you guys do it?" asks maureen.
"pretty much the same as you guys do." responds the martian.
talk continues and finally they deside to swap partners for the night.
maureen and the male martian go off to a room where the martian strips off. his member is not very impressive, only half an inch.
"I dont' think this is going to work." says maureen.
"why?" ask the matian, "whats the matter?"
"well she replies, "its a bit small."
" no problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forhead. with every slap his member gets longer and longer, until its impressively long.
"ooh my" she says,"that is good, but its still a bit thin."
"no problem," he says, and starts to pull his ears. with every tug his member gets wider until maureen thinks she might not be able to take it.
"wow," she says and jumps on him with great enthusiasm where they begin to make mad passionate love.
the next day the couples rejoin each other and then go their seperate ways. as they walk along mick asks maureen if it was any good."well," she says, "it was bloody marvelous actually. how about you?"
"it was horrible," mick replies. "all I got was a headache. she kept slapping my forhead and pulling my ears!!"
2 nuns are driving down the road, when a vampire lands on their bonnet. the 1st nun turns to the other and says, "quick, show it your cross!!!!!"
the 2nd nun leans out of the window and shouts "FUCK OFF!!!!!"
Have you heard the news about the Red Coat who worked at the Amusement Park at Butlins and has been sacked?
Apparently he's not at all happy about it and is suing for funfair dismissal!
I'll get my coat!
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: lapiz." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" <o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. <o:p></o:p>
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. <o:p></o:p>
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it. <o:p></o:p>
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model<o:p></o:p>
Under David Blunketts recent proposals for refugees & Foreign Nationals gaining British Nationality, this joke has been selected as one of the criteria tests. If you don't laugh at it then you will never considered to be 'British'. In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought - "That f---ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw@t again."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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