The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile." I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail!"
A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven, while she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful.Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her."Which word?" the woman asked."Love."The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived."I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion, and my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went skiing today. I fell, a rock hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?""You have to spell a word", the woman told him."Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they settle for apples from lower down or even from the ground - they're not as good, but they're easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in fact they're amazing! They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top because he values quality.
Now men, men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes on the vines and are picked easily enough, but it's then up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared."Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime."Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago, on our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. ' I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.' I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your feckin' attitude, you never will.'
<wordtidy> The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and tests were done, there were 3 final candidates; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
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The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes then the man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This useless gun is loaded with blanks!' she said.
A man walks into Ann Summers to buy something sexy for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities of see-through lingerie that range in price from £50 up to £150, the more see-through the more expensive.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
1. Why Do Men Become Smarter During Sex ?.
Hello, because they're plugged into a genius.
2. Why Don't Women Blink During Sex ?.
They don't have enough time.
3. Why Does It Take 1 Million Sperm To Fertilize ! Egg ?.
They don't stop to ask for directions.
4. Why Do Men Snore When They Lie On There backs ?.
Because there balls fall over their butt-holes and they vapour lock
5. Why Did God Make Men Before Women ?.
You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.
6. How Many Men Does It Take To Put A Toilet seat Down ?.
Don't know it never happened.
7. Why Did God Put Men On Earth ?.
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn !.
"I see you as more of a brother." = "You remind me of that banjo playing kid from Deliverance.""There's a slight difference in our ages." = "No, Dad, I'm not having sex with you.""I'm just not attracted to you in that way." = "You ugly sod""My life is too complicated right now." = "I don't want you staying too long or you'll hear the phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.""I've got a boyfriend." = "I prefer to spend my evenings with my male cat and a gallon of Mint Choc Chip ice cream.""I don't date guys from work." = "It's bad enough you're in the same solar system as me, much less the same building.""It's not you, it's me." = "It's you.""I'm concentrating on my career." = "Even my boring, unfulfilling job is better than dating you.""I'm a lesbian." = "I've sworn off the likes of you.""Let's be friends." = "I want to stay close to you so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I've had sex with."
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