So bad it's good...
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows,
come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper
bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"
asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor
"Your mother must have been a carrier"
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take any leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.?
one day, paddy and murphy decided they wanted to do something different than sitting in the pub, so they decided to go for a walk and see what they could find to do.
after a while walking thro the country they came across a guy standing on a bridge dangling a rope over the side.. Paddy and murphy wandered up to him and watched him for a while.
"wha ya doin there lad?" asked paddy, suddenly there was a yank on the rope, "i'm fishing" said the chap, pulling in the rope.. "ya see, i got me pal here with his feet tied to the rope, i dangle him over the bridge, and when he has caught something, he yanks on the rope and i pull him up" next minute the 2nd chap who was tied to the rope appeared climbing back over the bridge with a giant fish in his hands..
"ere murphy, we should give that a go" said paddy.. so off they went to get some rope and find a bridge..
once they found a bridge, paddy tied murphys feet to the rope, and dangled him over the bridge...
5 minutes passed, and nothing, paddy called down to murphy "any luck?".... "nope" replied murphy.
another 5 mins passed, and still no catch...
after about 20mins, paddy was getting bored, and was thinking of calling it a day, when there was a massive yank on the rope...
Paddy quickly started pulling in the rope, and yelled down to murphy "you got something??"
Murphy yelled back up "no, theres a F*cking train coming!!!!"
u can get to sleep with a light on ------ paddy n murphy are walking down the street, paddy falls down an open man hole, murphy shouts down "is it dark down there?" paddy yells back up "i dunno, i cant see"
--------------------------
paddy n murphy are walking down another street, and murphy falls over and breaks his leg.. "paddy, call me an ambulance!"
paddy runs round chanting "murphys an ambulance, murphys an ambulance.. -------
guy
walks into a bar (and says ouch) and asks for a cocktail stick, the
barman asks him why, they guy says "just gimmie a damn cocktail stick"
so the barman does. then a second guy comes in, and asks for a
cocktail stick. the barman asks him why, they guy says "just gimmie a
damn cocktail stick" so the barman does. then a 3rd guy guy comes in, and asks for a cocktail stick. the barman asks him why,
they guy says "just gimmie a damn cocktail stick" so the barman does. a 4th guy comes into the bar, the barman says "you want a cocktail stick?" the guy say "no, i'd like a straw please" the barman says "ok, you can have a straw, but first, ya gotta tell me why.." the guy replies "well sum1 has just been sick outside, and all the chunky bits are gone"
u lot get worse
but my jokes are that bad i just couldnt post them
exapmle............... doctor doctor i feel like a pack of cards
doctor says sit down.......i'll deal with u later
see i told you they was bad
so i'll leave it up to u lot to keep the jokes going
tc
RC
xx
Ayoung girl went into confession and told the preist she had slept with 4 diff men over the past week,jack on tuesday bill on wednesday,peter on thursday and chuck on friday.
"well my child" said the preist "on ur way home buy 2 lemons and suck on them"
"but father will that clense me of my sins?"she asked
"no but it will take that bloody damn smile off ya face!"
the vicar knocked at the door and a boy of 14 answered,beer in one hand,a cigerette dangling from his mouth and girls hanging from his arms.
"excuse me son"said the vicar"is ya mom n dad in?"
"fuck off"sneered the boy"does it fuckin look like it?"
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"he said.The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.">> >>
Theman replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room fullof strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.>> >>The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??""There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.>> >> The waiting room erupted in laughter.Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the shops." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred quid if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred quid. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws five twenties on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred quid if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred quid on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Oh, did he drop off the 200 pounds he owes me?"
no offense meant!
pregnant irish girl phones home...mam,oi tink me waters hav broke. oh me holy jaysus, where are ya ringin from?
oim ringin from me minge to me ankles.
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