I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.......anyway, she's made a formal complaint and I am barred for life.
I walked into my Mum's bedroom and under the bed i saw a suit case half open.
My curiosity got the better of me so i opened the case fully.
Inside there was a leather mask,leather cape, crutchless leather shorts and a leather whip.........i couldn't believe it !
My Mum !..........A Superhero...
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old f' story!!
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Northern Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?""Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled onto the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The pub barkeeper looked over and said, "Oy mate! We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."The Reverend looked up at the landlord and stammered, "But sir, you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."The barkeeper said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this , she cant stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resourses supervisor is puzzled by this decision and askes " What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice ?
The woman replies " It's Keith ...........The Dwarf !!! "
Young lad goes to the Jobcentre
for help on how to best perform at a job interview." Right ", says the counsellor, " what do you do now ? "." I'm a rent boy ", replies the lad.The counsellor is horrified. " You can't say THAT " , he replies, " tell me what your job really is"." I've told you ", says the lad, " I'm a rent boy, it's all i've ever done and I'm here to get help to get a proper job ".The counsellor thinks for a moment and replies " Well tell the interviewer you are a rent collector - that's only one word different so you won't forget it. OK ? "So the lad goes for his interview." And what do you do for a living now ? " asks the interviewer." I'm a rent collector " replies the lad." That's a responsible job " replies the interviewer, " handling money. How much money do you collect ? "
" 10 quid for a hand-job and 20 for a blow-job " says the lad.
It was a dark and stormy night as the prisoner was trudging through the mud to the place of execution, the bitterly cold wind cutting through his sodden jacket and chilling him to the bone. But, determined to fly the flag, put on a brave face and remain cheerful to the end, he tried to make conversation. "Turned out nice again, hasn't it", he said. "It's alright for you", replied the guard, "but I've got to walk back in this".
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said “My son is my pride and joy. He started workingat a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said “Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said “Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universitiesand became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?”
The fourth man replied “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said “What a shame... What a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied “No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect, at the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party. So she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him, they got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment, he ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs, just then, the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Daugher's text to Mum...
Mum need advice, have boyfriends cum stuck in my hair, how do i get rid of it , cut it out ?
Rely from Mum..." No, ive had loads of cum in my hair over the years , it will just wash out "
Daughter " OMG i meant to spell gum "...
There once was an Navaho Indian whose given name was “Onestone,” so named because he had only one testicle.He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”The word got around and nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman, named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone…”He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!What is the moral of this story?OH, ‘Come on’…take a guess!Think about it ..(You’re going to love this!)And the moral is"…You can’t kill two birds with one stone."
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
> 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
I wento to my doctors the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous, I was embarrassed but she said "dont worry I have seen it all before"- "just tell me what is wrong and I will help you in any way that I can", I said "I think my cock tastes funny"....
I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw the other night, he hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his foot shouting f*** me, what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life :-)
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