I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw the other night, he hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his foot shouting f*** me, what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life :-)
I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw the other night, he hypnotised 7 guys then dropped the mike on his foot shouting f*** me, what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life :-)
Santa went to the doctors. Doctor says, ''well Santa, what seems to be the problem?''.
Santa says,'' Doctor, I think I have a mince pie stuck up my arse ''. Doctor says,'' Ok then, just drop your trousers, turn around and bend over so I can examine you'' Santa does exactly that. After a couple of minutes the Doctor straightens up and says,'' Well Santa, you do indeed have a mince pie stuck up your arse, but don't worry, I have some cream for that! ''
A little girl is in line to see Santa, when it's her turn she climbs onto his lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like from Santa this Christmas ?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and an Action Man Gunner."
Santa looks at the girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie came with Ken ?"
"No" says the girl, "She comes with Action Man Gunner, she fakes it with Ken !"
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't knowanything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"..."OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'theprison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put theprisoner in the prison.And then they made love for the first time.Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes butthe girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives hima suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recentlyborn foal.Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,OKAY!
There was a lady who immigrated in Canada and married an Canadian gentleman. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband.The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.The next day, she needed to get chicken assets. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.The lady got what she wanted.The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So, she brought her husband to the store...Because he spoke English.
I went to the Disco....They played "Jump"....So I jumped.They played the "Twist"....So I did the twist.They played "Shout"....So I shouted.They played "Come on Eileen"........I got kicked out after that one!!
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. "felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. Sheassisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
''And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".
a farmer
gets a call from his son "ive run over a pig.its still alive but its
stuck under the tractor, what should i do?" shoot it says the farmer,and
bury it. about an hour later he gets another call."done that,what
should i do with his speed camera?"
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story...... So Please read onIn the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down five inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.' There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches, I can eat him.' There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh....if that fly goes down five inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!' It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down five inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank, But I can tell you there's more.... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,'Gosh, if that fly goes down five inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich.' A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch time) 'Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... Then I can have mouse for lunch.' The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. NOW, The Moral Of The Story.... Whenever a fly goes down five inches, Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Didn't see that one coming, did you??
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven". The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven. The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks."Huh?!" replied the surprised young man. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father. Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him....However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Will You Live to see 85? Here's something to think about........ I recently picked a new G.P. doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 77). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F U C K do you want to live to 85?
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she was going out with someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl said "NO." Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast and he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used 50p coins!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!
![over 18' only (31) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![over 18' only (31) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
