A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I notice that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."<o:p></o:p>
llegedly
this is a review on amazon.co.uk for Veet Hair Removal for Men...<o:p></o:p>
After having been told my danglies(genitals) looked like an elderly rastafarian
I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts
had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the
more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on
the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the <st1:place w:st="on">North sea</st1:place>
I considerd myself a
bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them
off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited
until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints
about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well
and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have
long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by
an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a
barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became
willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd
tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling
to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and
only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of
tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this
time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge
in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and
found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The
relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the
fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any
treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my
vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out
was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a
handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the
chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines
behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish
there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the
depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my
pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where
no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other
half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of
me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a
sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't
heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which
resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I
can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in
the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having
to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream
was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and
self respect...:)<o:p></o:p>
Two Indian mates of mine snorted curry powder instead of cocaine at a party last night. Both taken to hospital. Last I heard..one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, outdoors. He thought that was wonderful and asked what she did. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I walked about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain and pushed through a lot of brambles. I waded in a lake and spent a lot of time walking in the sand. I climbed several rocky hills where I was almost bitten by a snake. I ran away from a vicious snarling dog and a couple of times had to pee behind a tree. The mental stress is sometimes very hard and yesterday after I was done I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.” Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors woman!" No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really shit golfer".
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another mosque being built. I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others." Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by sharing this on.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
“A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you stick your little finger in it, wiggle it around, and then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?” LOL
Two men were out fishing one day when one decides to have a smoke, he ask the other guy if he has a lighter? He replies 'yes I do' And hands him a 10 inch long Bic lighter, surprised the guy ask 'Where did you get this'? The guy replies 'oh I have a Genie'. The first man ask 'Can I make a wish'? Sure says the other man but make sure you speak clearly cause he's a little hard of hearing. Okay I will says the other, as he rubs the lamp a Genie appears and ask the man what he wants? The man says I want a million bucks, the Genie says okay and goes back into his bottle, ten seconds later a million ducks fly overhead and the guy says to the other "your Genie really sucks doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic"!
So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought I'd ask my mates about their first time. Oh yeah he'll they all say, then Blecher comes out with ' it was a perfect day and we were having sex in a grassy vacant area, we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly he mum appeared out of nowhere. So I'm like holy shit 'Holy shit what did her mum do ask one of the other lads? He replied the first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this...First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing!Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
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