Paddy who worked in the brewery died after falling into a vat of beer. His work colleagues went to tell his widow.She asked as she cried did he suffer much. I don't think so replied a colleague, he got out to go to the bog three times.
Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says " I have an 10 inch cock and can shag all night". After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says "You said you had a 10 inch cock and could last all night , instead you have a 3 inch cock and you lasted 3 minutes!" Bob replies "I am a builder love. It was only an estimate !"
Man meets a lady in a bar and buys her a drink. He keeps looking at his watch, she asks why.
He says "It's a new dating watch, it's giving me information all about you".
"What does it say?" she asks.
"It says you have no knickers on."
"It's wrong!" she says.
"I know, he replies, It's an hour fast."
After a visit to a brothel a man notices green lumps on his cock so he goes to his doc.
"Thats serious" says doc, "you know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears ?"
"Yes," says the man nervously.
"Well," says doc. "you've got BROTHEL Sprouts"
Dear Doctor
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.
After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.
My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn’t surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.
My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.
You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don’t mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.
Yours faithfully,
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. She says "i've never done that before, what do i do?"
"Well," says Ben... "remember when you was a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle to spray your brother?, that's what you do".
She nods, so out comes his willy and she grabs it and starts shaking it.
Ten minutes later, he has tears streaming down his face, snot pouring from his nose, and wax coming out of his ears. "What's wrong?" she asks...
Ben cries.. "Take your fucking thumb off the end!!"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Me and the wife had a blazing row earlier, and it got that bad i ended up giving her a slap.
But then a few minutes later we had the best, dirtiest, sex ever. It was brilliant!
Looks like i'm going to have to wait for my tea though ..........
She's still unconscious!
An 83 year old woman was arrested for streaking at the Chelsea Flower Show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
on a birthday card today..........
why do men ,when they wake up in the morning , scratch there balls ??
its because were waking up our brains !!!!!
(deleted this sentence....................................................)
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
A woman gets home after a late shift and goes into the bedroom. Feeling horny she tells her husband "Im going to make you the luckiest man on earth tonight"He looks up from his book and says "Dont fuck around, who will help you pack your bags at this hour?"
Frank always wanted to be a morris dancer, so one day at a village fete, he approached the chief morris dancer band asked how to join. The chief said that there was a small test first if Frank was serious. Frank said that was ok. Chief said that he would need to drop his trousers etc. Frank duly did this and the chief inspected his tackle. "You have been circumcised" he said "Yes" said Frank. Chief said "I'm sorry but you cannot join as you need to be a complete prick to be a Morris Dancer".
WANTED:-
A tall well-built woman with a good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music & tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested ?
Then please only read lines 1,3 and 5
Still interested ?
(appeared in the Canberra Times personal section)
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can i talk to you for a few minutes? The young woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" He says " But whenever i talk to a woman with breasts like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
The missus just rang me screaming "you've given me crabs you dirty bastard, how could you?"
I said "whoaahhh, hang on a minute, before you start blaming me, have a fucking word with your sister!"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
My wife calls my knob "the Firework"..
Not because it lights up her night, but because she actually keeps it at arm's length after it went off in her face that time.
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