My new girlfriend said that I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck my cock.
I told her I totally understand and respect her decision, and will ring her nearer the time.
Doc: Just follow the pen with your eyes for me now. That's it. Now over to the left ...
Me: Well Doc, what's the verdict. What's wrong with my sight?
Doc: You're going to have to stop masturbating
Me: What? Why?
Doc: Because you're not making this eye examination any easier for me!!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and the n took her to Adventure World the me park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything the re was.Five hours later the y staggered out of the the me park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He the n took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
Just
saw the neighbour's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet
cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed
to...
He was in ecstasy with a smile on his face as he watched his girlfriend move back and forth... Back and forth Back and forth In and out In and out Her heart was pounding..her face flushed and she stared to grunt and groan Then she let out an almighty scream!!! "I can't park this effing car,you do it you smug bastard!!!!"
The wife bought me a lovely rolex for my 40th birthday, "do u like it" she said, "it's great" i said, "it'll remind me of your pussy" she laughed " is that because it's exclusive and sexy? " I replied "nah, it's a bit loose round my wrist!"
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door last night and asked if I had any old clothing "yes" I said, " but what do I get in return?' "you can play with my breasts if you want" she offered, I thought that's fair "Tit for Tat"
Man staggers into hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat, Dr asks "what happened to you?' guy replies " Well I was playing golf with the wife, when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows, I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife "this looks like yours...." and I dont remember much after that"
Paddy walks into the room n finds Mick shouting into an envelope "what the fuck are you doing" asks Paddy, "sending a fuckin voicemail ya thick twat" replies Mick
A magician & his sexy assistant wife are doin a live show in Glasgow. Part of his show is to allow an audience member onto the stage to perform their own trick. A wee man clambers onto the stage & says: "Fer ma trick, am gonna havte borra yer loverly wife." ... Then the guy whips off her skirt & pants & starts banging her from behind. Outraged, the Magician screams: "What the FUCK are you doing? That's not a trick!" The wee man shouts, "Ah know. But it's fuckin' magic!!".
A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks up to the local brothel & taps the door, when the madam answers he says 'i want to have sex with your dirtiest girl, who has lots of diseases, i've got £500 to spend'. The madams eyes light up & says 'that'll be me then, but why do you want a disease'? The boy said 'tonight after mum and dad leave, my babysitter will shag me 'cos she likes cute little boys, later when dad runs her home he'll shag her in the layby. When he comes home and goes to bed mum'll want a good seeing 2, & 2moro when Dad goes off to work mum will shag the milkman, & he's the bastard that ran my fucking frog over
I told the wife I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and didnt know what it was, she said "ring sting" I said "what makes you think he'll feckin know"
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they allperish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of onewith the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through t...he gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I've got to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."
DO you
fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME
KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY
MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT
OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY
MORNING......
SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER
SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE
TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS
OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY
MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS,
AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE
HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED
BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS
INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL
TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF
TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES
LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF
HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE
SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T
LISTEN TO YOU'. 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME
THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF
THEM BACK IN!
![over 18' only (5) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
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