4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him" The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him" The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me" The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again" <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
That's ok Dave you're not the only one on here to post jokes that are older than I am, a few more old jokes would be par for the course.
of course if ya find any NEW ones...
(For those who aint sure how to take that, it's SARCASM! it may be the lowest form of wit but it's still wit PML)
man turns to wife 1 day says 'hey love that slim fast stuff looks ace maybe we should start sprinkling some in your knickers every morning to get rid of your fat arse '
next morning husband gets dressed and after half an hour or so he's itching all over his privates
he asks his wife if she's changed the wash powder
she replies 'no love i took your advice and started sprinkling your underwear with f**king miracle grow !! '
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical, and as they've just finished up he asks his doctor a frank question.
“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he asks.
“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you drink?”
“No.”
“Do you fool around with loose women?”
“Of course not.”
“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?”
Body Parts in Heaven
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God,
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Getting Old<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts to go up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."============<o:p></o:p>
A little old lady was walking up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Super sex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."<o:p></o:p>
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know<o:p></o:p>
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for a check up.A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor said to Morris, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'<o:p></o:p>
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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Revenge !!!
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. ''Sleep now, its all right,'' he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, ''Honey, I really need to tell you something.''
Finally Jake lets her get it off her chest.
''Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.''
''Don't worry about it,'' Jake said, ''I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?''
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary..
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He
put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife
demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and
said: 'You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!'
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