Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite. "He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!" The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea. So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him. "I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month." The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away. The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne. So she asks, "What's going on, dear?" "We're celebrating!" he replies. "Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks. "Anal sex week!"
Man walks into a pub, goes upto the barman and orders a pint of beer. He takes his pint and sits down to read his paper. 10 minutes later in walks a woman, the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. She goes to the bar and orders a drink, takes it and sits down in the corner. Eventually the man finishes his pint, at the same time the woman goes to the bar to get another drink. At this point the man thinks to himself "This is it, this is my chance to chat to her" So he goes to the bar orders a pint and starts chatting to him. As it turns out she's been checking him out as well, working out how to approach him. So, they start dating and fall madly in love. A few years down the line they're getting married. The groom is stood at the altar, feeling nervous but excited. The doors to the church swing open and in walks the brides father, he's walking straight for the groom. He puts his arm around his shoulder's, smiles and says; "I like you, my wife likes you, my daughter loves you, your good for my daughter and my family" The groom smiles. The father then says; "there is however one small problem" "what's that?" asks the man "well, she's got a slight problem, you see she's got acute angina" laughing, the man says; "oh yeah I know.....................she's also got a cracking pair of tits"
My ex was Welsh, and I love them, but this is funny......
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?" <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"<o:p></o:p>
Dog: "Doin' all right." <o:p></o:p>
Villager: (look of extreme shock)<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at the villager)<o:p></o:p>
Dog: "Yep"<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"<o:p></o:p>
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." <o:p></o:p>
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"<o:p></o:p>
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"<o:p></o:p>
Horse: "Cool" <o:p></o:p>
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"<o:p></o:p>
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." <o:p></o:p>
Villager: (total look of amazement)<o:p></o:p>
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"<o:p></o:p>
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f*cking liar!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p>pma</o:p>
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to stand here."
pma
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest >beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" > Of course. What may I do for you?" > Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my > mother'sbirthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, > andI'm afraidthey'll confiscate it. > Is there any way you could carry it through Customsfor me? > Under your robes perhaps?" > "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." > "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The > official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" > "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." > The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you > haveto declare from your waist to the floor?" > "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,to date, unused." > Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the f........ trouble started......................lol!!!!
The Husband StoreA brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. So she is tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,345,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited!
RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD Taoism: Shit Happens. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding. Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before. Islam: If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage. Zen: What Is The Sound Of Shit Happening? Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit? Confucianism: Confucius Say, "Shit Happens." 7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens On Saturdays. Protestanism: Shit Won't Happen If I Work Harder. Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It. Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens." Unitarian: What Is This Shit? Mormon: Shit Happens Again & Again & Again. Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Us? Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit. Southern Baptist: Send Us Money And Shit Won't Happen. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening. Moonies: Would You Like To Buy Some Shit? Stoicism: This shit is good for me. Zoroastrianism: Shit only happens half the time. Christian Science: Shit is in your mind. Environmentalism: You produce shit, so you have to eat it. Socialism: Sorry, we are out of shit today. Feminism: That's not funny! Atheism: There is no shit! Can you believe this shit?
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