Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing
their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What
do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're
out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived
here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have
to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The
first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the
funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she
comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried
because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is
yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a
girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it
Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him
out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends
were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
car accident.
a man and woman are involved in a car accident.both cars are totalled, but amazingly neither are hurt.
as they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"so you're a man, thats interesting.i'm a woman.wow,look at the state of our cars.theres nothing left.fortunately,we are unhurt,this must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends for the rest of our lives".
Flatterd, the man replys"oh yes, i agree with you completely".
"Oh look, this must also be a sign from God, my cars completely demolished,but look inside, my bottle of wine is still intact,surly God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our immense good fortune"says the woman.
she hands the bottle to the man who opens the bottle and takes the longest drink, as he is in a state of shock and gratitude he's ok.he drinks half the bottle and wiping the top of the bottle hands it to the woman. she then puts the cap back on the bottle and hands it back to the man.
"aren't you having any?" the man asks
the woman replies "no, i think i'll just wait for the police.......".
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the blondes catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One blonde turns to the
other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost
us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other blonde says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Redneck Joke
Southern Comments
Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle." "This'll jar your preserves." "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits."
The Weather: "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin." A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults: "She's uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'" "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Husband takes wife to the doctor, she has a bruised face, black eye and cut lip.
doctor: my, whats happened here?
husband: she's going through the change doctor.
doctor: this does'nt happen going through the change!
Husband: It does when it's in my pocket!!
Dead Hairy: A woman was at the undertakers arranging her late husbands funeral. "Do you have any special requests?" asked the undertaker. "well, he was bald and never went anywhere without his wig, but every time i put it on his head,it slides off." she said. "i'll sort that out for you.come back in an hour" he said. So an hour later she returned and the wig was perfectly placed on the dead mans head. "Oh,thankyou!" she said "you must let me pay you something for that,and i wont take no for an answer!" the undertaker said, " well, just give me a quid for the nails then!" courtesy of superbikes mag.hehe
Heavy drinking: Last night i was reading an article on the effects of heavy drinking, scared the sh%t outta me! so thats it from now on, no more fcuking reading!!
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'
The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
an irishman goes into a petshop and asks 4 a wasp the assistant informs him they dont sell wasps 2 which the irishman replies well u had one in the window last week!
Voilent things we do to food......
A salting
Battering
Blanching (quick boil)
Boiling
Butchering
Carving
Chopping
Cutting ...........
Ahh forget it Just eat and enjoy without a guilty thought lol
Allways remembered a cartoon with Peppermint Patty saying to Charlie Brown as they are stood shoulder deep in a pool.
"You're a lier Charlie Brown. I will not drown if you take it out"
http://search.live.com/images/results.aspx?q=you+liar+c...ebrown.gif
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