paddy comes home from work and finds his missus propping up the washing machine on one side with two bricks.
"what the feck ya doin?" he says!
"doin the washin at 30 degrees ya tick prick!"
The wife is pissed off with me again. Last night while she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper. Honestly - no fucking sense of humor whatsoever!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I bought the mother in law some crotchless knickers for her birthday - nothing sexual, it's so the fuckin witch can get a better grip on her broomstick.
Happily Married
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of asprins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of hi, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So was the rest of the house.
He takes the tablets and notoices a note on the table, ' Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.'
So he goes into the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, 'Son, what happend last night?'
His son says, 'well, you came home after 3am drunk and delirious, brke some furniature, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door'.
Confused, Badass Bob asks, 'So why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?'
His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Woman, leave me alone, I am married!'
A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents "this is Amanda", his dad jumps up and says "it's a fuckin what".
I went to a fancy dress shop for a vampire outfit and the girl gave me a Manchester United football kit. I said "You must have mis-heard me love. I said I wanted to look like a count."
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year
and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education
for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life.
How the fuck these shit-brained arseholes come up with these cock sucking titwanking ideas is beyond me! Spunk bucket fat twat cat shagger! Fucksake!
I invented a bollock exerciser - it improves your ejaculation distance, so I decided to take it on Dragon's Den but they weren't interested - it went right over their heads....
The wife came home today and brought me a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. " How hard is it?" I asked. To which she replied "As hard as your cock when you think of me naked". . .
Paddy's wife comes home from work to find all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line , she screams at Paddy "you feckin dozy irish bastard, I wanted a dado rail!"
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet.
Went for a meal yesterday and while the wife was in the toilet , the waiter came acrossed and asked " what will the lovely lady be having " " I dont know" I replied "probably a shit"
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