A
middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son. They decided
to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?' The
wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair A
mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the
mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed
it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to
show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My
God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A
woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over
him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she
said, ' pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he
entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and
I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they
went to bed. Around 2 AMthe husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood
like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
A
man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir
, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and asked:'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A
nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy
who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender
replied: 'The same thing
I'm
doing to his business down here...'
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked
up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to,
' his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I
know ,' she replied, ' now just rest and let the poison work.'
A nun gets onto a bus that is empty except for the driver.
She says " I am going to die soon, but I want to have sex before I do. But, I must remain a virgin so it must be an*l and I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single. Can you fulfill my wish?"
"Yes" said the bus driver and fulfills the nun's wish. Then feeling guilty, he says " I am sorry but I lied. I am married with 3 children".
"Oh thats ok", said the nun, "I lied too, my name is Keith and I am going to a Fancy Dress Party!"
Two 90yr olds have been dating for a while and decided to have sex. As they lay there afterwards, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle". The woman lay there thinking, "My God, if I had known the old boy could actually get it up, I would have taken my tights off! "
Which part of a man's body has no bone, full of veins, loves pumping and is responsible for making love?
ANSWER: Well?
A Heart....but I love the way you think! LOL!
A woman rings her boss and says, "I won't be in work today, I have got an*l blindness."
Boss says, "What's that?"
The woman replied, "I can't see my arse getting out of bed today!"
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little boys and girls: Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, s elf-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in my castle ~~~ ~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~ ~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sautéed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't f**kin' think so.
> CHINESE PROVERBS
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget
from chinese to women?
Girlie Wisdom Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs in weight. <o:p></o:p>
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. <o:p></o:p>
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes <o:p></o:p>
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does. <o:p></o:p>
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. <o:p></o:p>
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. <o:p></o:p>
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers. <o:p></o:p>
Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. <o:p></o:p>
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes! <o:p></o:p>
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... "You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" ......Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! <o:p></o:p>
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. <o:p></o:p>
My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen bitch.....do it and die." <o:p></o:p>The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND: <o:p></o:p>
F * ck ... <o:p></o:p>
An elderly married couple get up on the morning of their 60th anniversary and go downstairs for breakfast.
Feeling a little cheeky, the lady looks up at her husband across the breakfast table and says, "Just think darling, we've lived in this house and eaten breakfast at this table every day since the day we were married and yet something is different from back then."
"Different?" Answers her husband, "In what way dear?"
"Well," she says, "I seem to remember that 60 years ago this day, we were sat here having breakfast the same as today, but we were both stark naked!"
The man laughs, nodding and then with a chuckle suggests, "Well, we could do the same for a laugh if you're up for it."
They both giggle away like teenagers, but then five minutes later they are both sat down again for breakfast, but this time are totally naked!
After she has stopped chuckling, the old wife looks up again at her husband and says, "Do you know dearest, that as we sit here like this, my nip*les are as hot for you now as they were 60 years ago!"
To which the man laughs and answers, "I'm not surprised, one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge!!!!"
A young school leaver gets a work experience job at a local zoo.
The zoo keeper decides to give him a simple job to start with.
He gave him a bucket of fish food and tells him to feed the fish in the aquarium but only give them 1/4 of it as too much would cause them to overeat and die.
The young lad leans over the aquarium, starts to feed the fish but drops the whole bucket into the water. The fish have a feeding frenzy, overeat and die. When the zoo keeper sees what has happened he was not pleased but admitted that there was nothing they could do about it now so instructed the young lad to net all the dead fish out of the tank and put them in a large bin to be fed to the lions at the weekend.
The next job the lad was given was to clean out the chimps cage. As he was sweeping the floor, he tripped. His brush smashed the light which swung against the bars of the cage and electrocuted all the chimps. Again, the zoo keeper was not impressed but agreed it was too late to do anything so told the lad to put the dead chimps in the bin with the other stuff to be fed to the lions at the weekend.
The third job the lad was given was to take the small electric truck down to the bee hives and collect the honey, surely he should be able to manage this thought the zoo keeper. The lad drove down to the bee hives, lost control of the electric truck, ran over the bee hives and squashed all the bees. When the zoo keeper was told what had happened, he was 'Livid' and shouted to the lad to shovel up all the squashed bees and throw them in the bin for the lions at the weekend.
On saturday morning a new lion was brought into the lion enclosure. The new lion asked the other lions what it was like living in this zoo and was told that they were looked after quite well. The new lion asked what the food was like. One of the older lions said 'The foods great, today we've got 'Fish', 'Chimps' and mushy 'Bees'.' M.S.
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