A man robs a bank wearing a balaclava and weilding a gun! He shouts"This is a raid everyone get on the foor"& empties the cash draws.As he runs towards the door,a customer yanks off his balaclava, so he is shot dead and yells "Anyone else see my face?" another man is shot dead after saying yes. The robber yells" did anybody else see my face" waiving his gun around...... There is silence for a few seconds& then a male voice is heard from a distant corner......" I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him a blow of his life.
After it he asks....we havent had sex for 6 months and suddenly this! Why? she answers...I just washed the floor this morning.
Id rather brush my teeth than clean the fucking floor again!
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to god how he created the best motorcycle in the world.
God disagreed saying BMW's were better designed bikes.
Harley said" What the F..ck do you know about design? you created woman and look at the problems we have with them.
"Excuse me" says god " I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my f..cking creation than yours.
The sign says:
"SEX FROGS"
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions an d reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:1. Take a shower.2. Splash on some nice perfume.3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store."So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (Pointing at the Villager)Dog: 'Yep'Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'Horse: 'Cool'Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)Horse: 'Yep'Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'Kiwi: (total look of amazement)Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'Kiwi: (in a panic) 'That sheep's a liar......'
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING AFOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,DARLING,COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE UNITED UTILITIES WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.FINE,THEN THE WIFE ASKS,WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?IT WON'T CLOSE PROPERLYTO WHICH HE REPLIED,FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE FRIGIDAIREWRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SOFINE, SHE SAYSTHEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPSTO THE FRONT DOOR?THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAKI'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'TWANT TO FIX STEPSHE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVECUBBYS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SOI'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR ACOUPLE OF HOURS...............................HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOWHE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDESTO GO HOMEAS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICESTHAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THEHALL LIGHT IS WORKINGAS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICESTHE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SATOUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED MEWHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHERGO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.HE SAID,SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?SHE REPLIED,HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTENON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO!
2 paddys walking down the road find a mirror seamus picks it up looks at it and says i recognise this picture but cant place who it is murphy says give it here let me have a look he looks and says you should recognise it its me you dopey git
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