18+
Blind man whent for a jobin a wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell.
they tested him with different types and he always got it right everytime.
to catch him out the secretary lay naked. he sniffed her then asked if the wood could be turned over, he sniffed again.
you can't fool me he said, its an old shithouse door off a fishing boat.
BW Kenn.
Two 16yr old virgin lads went out for the evening with the sole intention of finding a female partner to introduce them to and help them gain sexual experience.
They met a young girl who offered to help with their problem. There was only one condition. She told them that she was not on the pill so they had to wear condoms to prevent her from getting pregnant. The boys agreed.
The girl took the first lad into a room, placed a condom on him, then had sex with him. When finished, the second lad received the same treatment.
Three days later, the two lads were chatting when the first lad asks, 'Do you really care if that girl we met the other night gets pregnant?'.
The second lad replies ' I doubt if we will ever see her again, so no, I am not really bothered either way'.
The first lad thinks for a minute then says, 'Nah! neither am I. Bugger it! I've got to take this condom off, I'm busting for a piss!'.
M.S.
Paddy and Murphy went for a job interview.
Paddy went in first and was told that he had to undertake an initiative test.
The man says to Paddy, 'What would happen to you if I poked you in the right eye'.
Paddy replied, 'I would be blind on the right side'.
The man asks, 'What would happen to you if I then poked you in the left eye'.
Paddy replied, 'I would be totally blind'.
The man told Paddy that he had passed the test and on his way out send in his friend.
Now Murphy was not quite as clever as Paddy, so Paddy told Murphy that the answers to the questions he was about to be asked were, 'Blind on the right side' and 'Totally blind'.
Murphy sat down and the man asked, 'What would happen to you if I cut off your right ear'.
Murphy replied, 'I'd be blind on the right side'.
The man then asked, 'What would happen to you if I then cut off your left ear'.
Murphy replied, 'I'd be totally blind'.
The man looked it little puzzled and asked Murphy why this would be so.
Murphy thought for a moment and with a grin replied, 'Caus me hat would fall over me eyes'.
M.S.
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!""It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds of them!"Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."Sharon: "Ok."Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"Sharon: "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
Girl takes her boy friend home for the first time.
She say's "Be quiet my parents are in bed."
After a while the boy asks if he can go to the toilet.
The girl replies "You can't go up stairs, you'll wake my parents, use the sink in the kitchen."
Off goes the lad, a few minutes later he pops his head round the kitchen door and asks "Have you got some toilet paper?"
A guy goes up in front of a court-room judge, charged with having sex with a German shepherd dog.
The judge was discusted and said 'You have had sex with a German shepherd dog. How low can one stoop'.
The guy smiled and said 'I had a Jack Russel last week'.
A young lad goes into a fish and chip shop and says to the chap behind the counter 'Give us a fu**ing fish and some chips'.
The chap tells him to get out and come back when he has more manners.
The young lad walks out of the shop and then back in and says 'Give me a fish and some fu**ing chips'.
The chap tells him to go back out again and come back when he has better manners.
The lad walks out, then back in again and says 'Fu**ing well give me a fish and a bag of chips'.
At this, the chap can see that he is getting nowhere with the lad so decides to try a different approach. He tells the lad to come behind the counter and serve, and he would play the part of the customer to show the lad how to correctly order his meal.
The chap walks out of the shop then back in again, he walks up to the counter and says 'Good evening, can I have a fish and a bag of chips please'.
The young lad looks at him and says 'Fu** off, you would't serve me'.
Prince charming goes to visit the Pricess at her father's castle only to be told that she has eaten a poisoned apple and is a deep coma.
The king tells the Prince to go up to her bedroom and take a look at her.
When the Prince walks into her bedroom he finds her lying naked on the bed in a deep sleep.
About ten minutes later the Prince walks downstairs and asks the King why the Princess has a prawn stuck up her f*nny.
The King asks the Prince what the hell is he talking about and rushes up to the Princess's bedroom.
The king looks at the Princess, then turns to the Prince and says,
'That's not a prawn you stupid boy, it's a Clitoris'.
The Prince looks at the king and replies,
'It tastes like a prawn'!
A little old man totters into chemist to buy viagra. Can i have 6 tablets & i need them cutting into quarters. I can cut them for ya says the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give ya a full erection.
I am 96 said the old man, i do not have much use for an erection, i just want it sticking out enough so i don't piss on my slippers!
8 things girls should say to guys....
1 im bored lets shave my pussy.
2 r u shure youv had enough to drink.
3 that fart was a good one do another.
4of course i swallow i love it!
5 No thats ok you drink beer n watch porn, i'll do the washing up.
6 just for a change put it up my arse!
7 how about you get that girl from work you fancy to join us.
8 marriage? no way , carlsberg dont do girlfriends.....
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