2 men are at opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing. 1 is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers the other is havin a blow job off a 85y old woman...
WHAT ARE THEY BOTH THINKING..
dont look down, dont look down, dont look down.
Jack proposed to Jill but b4 they marry he confesses his penis is infant sized. Jill says i love you, i'll learn to live with it.
On the wedding night just as Jill has slid her hand into Jack's pants she starts screaming. What's wrong asks Jack, I thought you said your penis was infant sized says Jill.
It is, Jack replies, it's 7lbs 4oz & 12 inches long!!
A trucker as been on the road for 3wks solid.
Exhausted he stops at a brothel drops £500 on a table n demands the ugliest woman in the house & a bacon sarnie.
The owner says sir for that amount you can have the finest lady & a 3 course meal, the man replies, i'm not horney i'm f**king home sick !!!
Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air & asks her dad why its like that. Dad says its died & is like that so Jesus can pick it up & take it to heaven.
Next day she says dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming & if the milkman hadn't have been there we'd have lost her!
nice one Sonya,
bloke desperate 4 the loo in hospital is told by the nurse to go into the ladies but not to touch the buttons on the wall. inside there were 4 buttons marked ww wa pp and atr.
curious he pressed ww and gently sprayed with warm water. He then pressed wa and warm air dried him, pp produced a powder puff, so he pressed ATR. some time latter he woke up in a hospital bed and the same nurse says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, n your cock is under your pillow!
Mummy where do babies come from?
'' well daddies make a liquid called spurm n put it inside mummy''
''Do mummies swallow it ?''
'' Only if they want shoe's''
A blond goes into PC world looking for curtains for her PC , the assistant says u dont nned curtains for a computer , blonde says 'HELLO' ive got WINDOWS
royal mail have just issued a new stamp ,with a picture of a clitoris on it . sadly it has to be withdrawn as 75% of men dont know how to lick it properly
Man walks into the Patents office with an apple
"An apple - you can't patent that"
"This one's special - take a bite"
"Errr, yeah - tastes like an apple"
"Ahh - turn it round"
"Wow, amazing - tastes like a pear
Can you do this with other flavours
If you could make it taste of pussy, it would sell a million"
Some time later...
"I've done it - an apple that tastes of pussy..."
Big bite...
"Eewww - tastes like shit"
"Ahh - turn it round"
Woman goes to buy a parrot, they're £100, £200 & £15. She asks why the last one is so cheap, because he used to live in a brothel says the shop keeper. She buys it at £15. When she gets home the parrot says f*** me, a new brothel & the woman finds it funny.
When her daughters get home the parrot says f*** me, 2 new prozzies which the daughters find funny.
When the dad gets home the parrot says f*** me dave, havent seen you for weeks!
first rude joke i ever heard while at primary school,boy goes to a prossy ''what do i get for sixpence miss''the prossy shouts down the hall''grease the cats arse charlie'' i laughed but had no idea what the big boys were on about!
Nice 1 Sonz i was going to do that 1 tonite.
Nun gets on to a train, skinhead in front of her is eating a bag of prawns, he starts spitting the heads at her. she throws them out of the window and then pulls the emergency cord.
Skinhead says "now your infor it thats a £50 fine you slut"
Nun replies " when i shout rape and they smell your fingers youll get 10 years you cunt"
Well, ya know what they say Kenn, great minds think alike!
Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her. Landlord says oi mate ya can't do that in here.
The rev replies you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.
Landlord says well if ya in that far you may as well finish.
just moved into a new house, ill send you my address latter, but f..k me it is a rough area.
Myra Hindley is the Avon lady
Fred West is the gardener
Louise Woodward is the babysitter
Harold Shipman is my new GP
Gary Glitter runs the local play group and the macanns run the holiday club,
but at least theres no p.............................
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on">Paradise</st1:place>.
They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his tail off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
A pretty young blonde woman in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New York</st1:place></st1:State> was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He went over to her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to <st1:place w:st="on">Europe</st1:place> in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in <st1:place w:st="on">Europe</st1:place> would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to <st1:place w:st="on">Europe</st1:place>, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
This is from an old Brit Biker returning to his old obsession:
On returning to biking after many years, I was amazed at the switches and gadgets that adorn the handlebars of the modern motorcycle, but I must say I'm very disappointed with the quality of these modern Japanese bikes.
I only picked up my Honda 1800 Goldwing a week ago from Kent Motor Cycles and already I have found so many things wrong with it. Take yesterday for instance, a scooter rider cut me up at a junction, so I hit the switch marked "Kill" on the handlebars and nothing happened, he just rode off into the distance.
Unfortunately, my bike seemed to run out of petrol at this point and I had to push it six miles to the nearest petrol station. As a result, I am not happy with the bike. Also, coming to a turn last week, I flicked the switch marked "Turn" on the handlebars and yet the bike went straight on into a stream of traffic nearly causing a nasty accident. Luckily, the hazard flashers came on automatically at this point, well, half of them anyway, so that's another thing that needs fixing.
The gear lever only moves downward and locks the back wheel, while the rear brake lever clicks up and down but the linkage to the rear drum seems to have become detached. Another gripe, instead of a substantial oil tank on the side of the frame with several pints of oil circulating like my trusty old 1958 Gold Flash, my Honda has a pathetic little oil tank mounted on the handlebars next to the twist grip. I've filled it with Duckhams 20w50 but to be honest, I wouldn't like to trust an engine only working with only that small amount of oil for very long.
There is a similarity with my old BSA Gold Flash, the front brake is diabolical.
There is another similarity with my old BSA Gold Flash, the kick-start lever has fallen off but the dealer should be able to fix that under warranty. If this is the quality of the Japanese bikes then I don't think the British motorcycle industry has anything to worry about. It may be clever to build engines that rev to ultrasonic limits and have the mpg of a Volvo Estate, but if they can't get the rest of the bike sorted then it's going to be curtains for them very soon, you mark my words.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p>
There was a Rock Party going on in heaven. Marilyn Monroe said to the first bloke she met "are you Jim Morrison?"
"No" he said, "I'm his drummer", "never mind" she said, sunk to her knees performed oral on him (words put as politely as i can, don't want to get inta trubble wiv Matt)
The second bloke she met, same thing, he said "No, I'm his bass player", once again, she sank to her knees and did the deed.
Finally, she got to Jim Morrison, "Yes, I'm Jim Morrison", down she went and did the deed agen
Jimi Hendrix copped an eyeful, rushed over, lobbed out his tool and shoved it in her mouth.
Michael Caine rushed over, "For F**ks Sake Marilyn" he yelled, "You're only supposed to Blow The f**king Doors off!!"................................
I'll get my coat
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