A couple are driving home in the pouring rain and run over a badger,they get out to find its still breathing but freezing cold, husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up " wife replies " but its all wet n it stinks" he says "well hold the badgers fucking nose then!"
This guy goes up to a woman in a bar & whispers in her ear "i"d love to fill your fanny with stella & then drink it all". The woman runs over to her husband & tells him "are"nt you going to kick the shit out of him?" she asks "Nah" he says i"m not fighting any fucker who can drink that much stella
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire Bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
wife joke
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. ...(tharr be more)I want a divorce straight away !" The husband replied. "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please. do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
The lead actor in the local production of "Aladdin" was brutally bum-shagged by the gay genie on stage last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him!
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the floor, he"s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he"s shagging her the Reverend Mother comes in,"SISTER ROSE!!!"she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy"s bollocks off the wet floor"
was down th gym this morning whne i noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in, anyway, she's now made a complaint n I'm barred for life
Finally the 5 answers we have all been waiting for
Q1)What are the small bumps around a womans nipple for?
A)It"s braille for suck here.
Q2)What is an AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A)It"s like a french kiss but down under.
Q3)Why are hurricanes named after women?
A)Because when they cum they"re wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them
Q4)Why do girls rub there eyes when they wake up?
A)Because they have no balls to scratch.
Q5)What is a mans ultimate embarassment?
A)Running into a brick wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
BEST WINDOW STICKERS.
1) Constipated people don"t give a shit.
2) If you don"t believe in oral sex---keep your fucking mouth shut!!
3) To all virgins thanks for fuck all!!
4) IMPOTENCE-- natures way of saying "no hard feelings"
5) If sex is a pain in the arse-- then you"re doing it wrong.
Two police women out on patrol with there alsation. One says "i"m getting cold, i"ve left my knickers back at the station" The other one says "use the dog give him a sniff of your fanny and he"ll fetch them for you" So she lets the dog have a sniff and it runs off back to the station. 2 hours later it returns with 2 truncheons, a broom and 3 of the desk sergeant"s fingers
"ERECTUS TROUSERIUS" or the "TROUSER SNAKE" is the worlds most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It"s fangless, average length 5-6 inches (although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of its owner) it appears usually in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months! Some species are also known to attack men from behind
Bloke goes to a brothel, goes to a room with a whore n puts 200 quid on the bed - then drops his pants.
The hooker nearlty faints ! the bloke has a 19" cock!!
" No way is that thing going in me " she says
"I'll lick it n I'll suck it, but that's all ! "
Bloke picks up his money and says...
"forget it !! I can do that myself! "
A little old man totters into a chemist for some viagra.
"I need them cut into quarters," he says.
The chemist replies "A quarter tablet won"t give you a full erection."
The old man says "I"m 96 and don"t have much use for an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough to stop me pissing on my slippers
He was in ecstasy with a smile on his face,
as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......
forwards then backwards......
back and forth; back and forth; back and forth;
in and out; in and out;
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to
grunt and groan.
Then she let out one almighty scream!!!
"I CAN"T PARK THIS FUCKING CAR! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG BASTARD"
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