A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband stalking around with a fly swatter in his hand. " what are you doing?" she asks, " I'm killing flies " replies hubby, " I've got 5 so far, 3 males and 2 females " and how do you know what sex they were?" asks wifey. " Easy " says hubby, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone ".
He didnt like my casserole,
He didnt like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make,
I didnt make the coffee right,
He didnt like my stew,
I didnt fold his pants,
The way his mother used to do,
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue..
I turned around and smacked the shit out of him
Just like his Mother used to do......
Paddy was nailing floorboards down when he started throwing nails into the corner. ''Paddy' shouted the foreman,' why are you throwing those nails away?' '' They are upside down'' said Paddy. the foreman replied, '' Paddy you thick git, save them for the ceiling''
Two Irish fellahs are working in a field, Paddy is digging holes and Mick is filling them in behind him. After 12 holes, a woman walks over and asks them, ''Why are you digging holes and filling them in again straight away?'' Paddy replied,'' Well missus, there is usually 3 of us, but Murphy, who plants the trees, phoned in sick this morning''.
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone..'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said ƌ', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader."Mother....." the Nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
Brian O’Connell drives a double-decker bus through the streets of Dublin. One day a very drunk Timothy Fogarty climbed aboard Brian's bus taking a seat on the bottom deck near Brian. As you may or may not know, Brian is required not to allow any drunks onto his bus, but today he was rather light-hearted so he decided to let the inebriated Fogarty remain on board.As is his want when he has had a few Timothy began talking a mean streak, which made Brian suggest that Timothy should sit on the upper deck.“The air up there is clean and fresh, and you will get a much improved view,” encouraged Brian.Fogarty agreed and stumbled his way up top. However, he returned in only a few minutes.“What's wrong?” Brian asked. “Didn't you like it better up there?”Timothy replied, “It's okay. But it's too dangerous.”“Too dangerous?” queried Brian. “How is that?”“There's no driver,” answered Fogarty.At the very next stop two more drunks climbed on board the bus. The first drunk was Bill O‘Brien and the second was Tommy Lynch. Bill asked driver O‘Connell, “Will this bus take me to 35th Avenue?”“No, it won't,” answered Brian.After a short pause, Tommy Lynch asked, “What about me?”
As Father Fitzgerald was walking down the street in Dublin, he spied across the way young Michael Donovan, a small boy living in his parish. Michael was at the door of a home across the street attempting to push the doorbell.But young Michael is on the short side and the doorbell was simply too high for him to reach no matter how hard he stretched. Father watched young Michael stretch and strain toward the bell for a short time, but the bell drew no closer to the small child‘s fingers.Father Fitzgerald strode quickly across the street ending up directly behind Michael standing at the door. While gently placing his hand on the small child's shoulder, the good man of God bent lower and gave the doorbell a good hard ring.Then, squatting down lower to young Michael’s height, Father Fitzgerald smiled knowingly and asked, “And now what, my young man?”“Now, Fadder?” replied Michael grinning, “Now we run!”
Tommy McGraw led a mangy group of Irish misfits that earned their living robbing, stealing and plundering other peoples’ treasures.One night shortly after midnight the group broke into a bank after Michael, the group’s tech expert, disabled the security system.Once they were inside the bank, the gang had expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash, baubles and other valuables. Instead, they were surprised to find hundreds of smaller safes lined up in rows all throughout the bank.Tommy, Michael and Conan, the third member of the group, began the task of opening the huge number of safes. Conan cracked open the first safe, and the entire group of misfits gathered around as he swung open the safe’s door. Inside they found nothing but a bowl of vanilla pudding.Tommy said, "Well, at least we'll get a bite to eat tonight."Michael cracked the second safe, but it too contained nothing but pudding--just simple vanilla pudding.The trio continued their safe cracking all night long until, finally, every one of the safes had been opened. But the gang found nothing of value. Not a pound, a diamond, a Euro nor even an ounce of gold.Instead of jewels, cash or other valuables, each safe contained only covered bowls of pudding. And it was always vanilla pudding. Each time one of the gang opened a safe finding the disappointing bowl of pudding, he gulped it down quickly to get back at the bank for not storing the usual cash they were after.Discouraged after a long night of plundering and eating pudding, the robbers quietly left the bank, each leaving with a rather queasy and uncomfortably full stomach.The group gathered the next morning at Tommy’s place to discuss their misfortune. Conan sat on Tommy’s sofa and opened the morning newspaper to read the headlines.To his surprise this is what he read: “Prominent Ireland Sperm Bank Robbed Last Night. All Sperm Taken.”
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."
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