A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.Then he decided to look through the window.He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”
Sad news, a man has died at a Chocolate factory after lots of boxes fell on hime. He tried in vane to help himself but when he shouted " the milky bars are on me ", everyone just cheered ...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order."That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man "Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland, Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Willy from school and go get dinner."
Two guys in a bar...One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!""Wooo, what the hell happened to him?""Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.""What a horrible way to die!""No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.""What a way to go, that's terrible!""No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.""Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!""No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.""Man, what a way to go!""No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.""Now that is one awful way to go!""No no, he survived that, he ...""Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?""I shot him!""You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?""He was wrecking my f**king house."
This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane withjust the pilot.The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She becomes frantic and callsout a May Day."May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack andis dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Controland I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and getyou back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind ofproblem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give meyour height and position."She says,"I'm 5Ɗ" and I’m in the front seat..""Okay," says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Whoart in Heaven..."
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