A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book..
But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I’m fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet."
Mother says: "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "It works on the tomato sauce bottle!"
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, About 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer".
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's just oversmart when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
I was eating a packet of crisps and sawa a message on the back of the packet: Not to be sold seperately !
Who in their right mind would want to buy just 1 crisp ?....
SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2013 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.2013 - School goes into lockdown, the F.B.I. are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatised students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.2013 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.2013 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbours car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.2013 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.2013 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.2013 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.1977 - Ants die.2013 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.2013 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. They went to 60 games a year and even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?""You're pitching tomorrow night."
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a magiclamp.They rub the lamp and a genie appears.The genie says, Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,I will allow one wish each"So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. Iwant to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries"."Pfufffff and he was gone.Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be inFlorida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails".Pfufffff, and he was also gone.The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office afterlunch at 12.35pm"Moral of the story: "Always allow the boss to speak first"
So this guy goes into the bar, dragging a large crocodile behind him. Putting a careful foot on the reptile's snout, he calls the barman over.
"I'll have a pint of best and my pal would like a Jamaican, please".
The barman's seen it all, nothing fazes him.
"One pint of best it is and...." he wanders off into the public bar and returns with a bemused Jamaican across his shoulders. Over the bar he tosses the poor unfortunate and the crocodile gets stuck in. "...one Jamaican. Shall we call that a tenner?"
The customer slaps a bill on the bar, downs his pint in three large gulps, a gulp in front of the crocodile, who is just a leg away from consuming the Jamaican.
"Barman, if you please. Same again."
"Thirsty eh! Right you are sir." He pulls the pint and disappears into the public bar, to return with a second Jamaican for the croc. Over the bar he goes and the reptile gets stuck in.
The customer takes his time with his second drink and, between sips, assures the barman that he'll pay for the carpet to be cleaned, not that the barman cares, he only works there, he don't own the joint.
"Barman, one more of the same and we'll hit the road."
The barman pulls the pint and then trundles off to the public bar, but this time he returns empty-handed.
"Er, sorry sir, word's got around about your croc and the Jamaicans have all scarpered. How would he feel about a couple of pygmies?"
"PYGMIES! Christ no! Get him on shorts and I'll never get him home."
I remember my mum asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up.I said, "A home maker."She asked, "Why would you want to do that?"I replied, "Well, from what I've seen, it looks pretty easy."
Paddy was in court and after an 8 hr trial he pleads guilty.
Judge says , "Why didnt you plead guilty at first and save all this time?"... Paddy says " I thought i was innocent till i heared all the evidence "....
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