Paddy called the RSPCA today and said "Ive just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs" "Thats terrible" she replied.."Are they moving ?".."Im not sure to be honest" Paddy said, "But that would explain the suitcase "!!!..
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet."How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Three businessmen were sitting in a sauna when suddenly they heard a 'beeping' sound<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The merchant banker pressed his forearm and the noise stopped.<o:p></o:p>
The others looked at him and questioningly ... "That was my pager" he said, "I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm".<o:p></o:p>
A few moments later a 'phone rang. The Stockbroker lifted his hand and placed the palm to his ear.<o:p></o:p>
When he had finished he said "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand".<o:p></o:p>
The self-employed motorcycle mechanic felt really low-tech but decided to do something just as impressive.<o:p></o:p>
He left the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned there was a piece of toilet tissue hanging from his bum.<o:p></o:p>
As the other men looked at him with their eyebrows raised he said ...<o:p></o:p>
"Well, will you look at that. I am getting a FAX"<o:p></o:p>
we bought a suzuki jeep,and the wife turned it over.i said"how did it happen?"...She said"there was a pine tree,and i went to the left and it swung to the left,i went to the right,and it swung to the right!!"....i said..."that was the air freshener ,you silly cow!!"
Whats green and smells of pork? Kermits fingers :P
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One - but the bulb must want to change
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the bank assistant behind the counter, pauses for a moment, then realising her mistake, she says, "Well that's great... just great... Some a**hole's got my pen." :P
Just seen a dwarf struggling to carry a plasma t.v back to his car so i shouted " Can you manage that mate ?"....He shouted "Clever sod no i dont, its a kindle "...
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