My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off.Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands. Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.It's the smoke detector, they replied in unison."Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.Sure, my oldest replied. "Dinner's ready".
A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’The plane took off and, once it had levelled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.’He told Sniffer to ‘search’.Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’The Policeman nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
Attendant: Welcome aboard A la Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure. Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please! Passenger: What for? Attendant: For telling you where to sit. Passenger: But I already knew where to sit. Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy. Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it. Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be swell, thanks. Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please. Passenger: What? Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it. Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10. Passenger: No way! Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that. Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me? Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee. Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this. Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you? Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it? Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes. Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air? Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents. Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar? Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go! Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar. Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents. Passenger: Crying out loud.... All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this? Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory!
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl tookher 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve, Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.''My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
"I think so. Provided those w's at Jewsons deliver the fg bricks on time."
Three men were flying in a plane. One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade.
After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head". Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head". Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said "I farted and my house blew up!"
"Where did I get my name from Dad?""Well, on the night you were conceived, your mother and I put the iPod on random, and which ever artist was playing at the time when I ejaculated, that's what we would call you. Hope that answers your question, Megadeth"
Oi XKL .. Mind your language hehe .. And thx Jinx lol .. Nowt wrong with where I'm living I don't care as long as I have a roof over my head!!! .. And for your info I'm actually a Chelmsford lass :-P lol
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