A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall."What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant."He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find anyso I gave him an entire box of laxatives.""You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives.""Of course you can" the assistant replied,"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago'The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same Card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a Violin.'The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical Instrument even once in my life.' she sat back down.From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his Violin case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the Violin, and started playing beautiful music.Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, I've got to try this again.'Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out.It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you are going to Chicago and you are Going to break wind.' now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to Herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' but getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'this is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again'. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.It read:'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have played and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'.
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?""My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Three mice are sat in a pub having a few pints and they're discussing which one is the hardest.The first mouse says, "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down,I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the floor."The second mouse replies, "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door."Where you going?" ask the other two."I'm off home to fk the cat!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the f ship?"
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God!You even sent me a Professional!"
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
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